


Are You Scared Yet?

by BenAmidala



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force-Sensitive Reader, Past Relationship(s), Post TFA, Really Heavy Angst, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-06-06 12:10:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6753289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenAmidala/pseuds/BenAmidala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren destroyed your home. Your Master went into exile. There is no home, no family, and only ash and dust to cure your ailing heart.</p><p>Where do you go when there is nowhere to go? What do you do when everything you have ever known has been so violently ripped form your hands?</p><p>You do what you do best.</p><p>You fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Middle of adventure

**Author's Note:**

> "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?" - William Shakespeare
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

You had found there was little fun in running through the forest. Maybe it was the insects that kept flying around your head or the tree leaves slapping you in the face. You couldn't even tell if any of the plants that brushed your bare skin were poisonous . You could imagine the fun in being bedridden with sickness for the next week or so. Oh, and then there was the running. The sweat sliding down your skin, the dull ache of your knees whenever you tried to run faster, and oh, the pulse of your own heartbeat in your ears. Just to name a few of your favorites.

But _they_  couldn't see you, or hear you as far as you knew, gaining behind them. There were two, clad in white armor, marching through the forest with their blasters held to their chests. You were strong but you were outnumbered. You needed them to separate. If you could get closer to them, you could probably get one to slide away from the other. A distraction. . .

You slowed to a jog, looking around your environment for a moment. There were dead trees and grass everywhere, but you needed a rock. You were also standing in the middle of a path so if either of them turned around, you were done for.

You paused, tentatively reaching out with the Force to find something, anything. You could feel the cockiness of the Stormtroopers ahead of you, the brush of trees in the wind above you, and there was nothing but rotting trees to your right. You tried to reach a little to your left, but there was just insects and maybe a Hoojib down a ways off. There was a rock buried underneath a pile of leaves to your left. You whipped to your left, darting for the pile of leaves and digging your hands underneath and wrapping your hands around the rock. It felt glassy and rough, with edges that bit into the palm of your hand. You squeezed it and began headed back towards the 'troopers.

They were further down now, completely stopped as you heard one speaking into his comlink, something about this section of the forest and the rest was inaudible. You looked where the path split into two. You knew the right path led down to more forest with an even more confusing path that twisted and turned at almost every tree, and the left you had yet to go down. Today would be a day of many things, you decided, as you chucked the rock a ways down the path, using the Force to guide it so it would slam hard enough into the tree to get their attention. You hadn't stopped to think what you would do if they had both gone to investigate. They didn't though and you sighed a bit in relief. That would have been a huge waste of time.

One turned towards the right path, signalling for the other to look down the left and they split from each other. You stuck close to the trees and followed the one that went down the left.

This Stormtrooper was cockier than the other one, swaggering as he walked and barely holding on to his blaster. You could sense no fear in him, he thought there was no danger here. You rushed behind him, kicking him in the back of the knee before he could even think to turn around and investigate the sound of leaves crunches underneath your feet as you approached. He fell to one knee and you grabbed the blaster from his hands, tossing it behind you. He staggered to his feet again, swinging around. His fist hit your cheek, making your bite your tongue. The metallic taste flooded your mouth and the collision made you take a few steps back. You kicked him in the front of his knee this time, listening to him shout at the pressure, but the armor kept you from doing any actual damage. He went to grab you again. You slid away from him grasp, stepping behind him and jumping so your hands could wrap around the bottom of his helmet. You pulled his head backwards and reached for the dagger sheathed on your thigh.

"Where is your Commander?"

You were shorter than him, and holding his head the way you were arched his back away from you, making it easier for you slide your other arm and place your dagger against his neck, where his plastoid armor failed to protect. The 'troopers lack of an answer prompted you to yank at the bottom of his helmet harder, pulling his head further back to you so it rested on your shoulder. You felt him go to turn his head, to look at your face, but you pushed him the other way.

"Don't you look at me. I asked you a question. _Where_ is your Commander?" You asked him through gritted teeth, pressing your dagger against him for effect.

And effect it had. The Stormtrooper rose both of his arms and fisted his hands in your hair, and moved your head away from him, only to bring the side of your face to crush against his helmet. Your foot found the back of his knee, forcing him down, but his grip on your hair stayed firm. You moved your dagger from his neck and went for the joint of his shoulder, digging your blade in there and wiggling it as much as you could. He shouted, something garbled by the com in his helmet as both of his hands left your hair and went to cover the wound in his shoulder.

You grabbed his helmet again, this time pulling it off of his head and tossing it to the ground. There was a human man underneath, and you couldn't help but wonder why you expected an alien. The thought was quickly disregarded as you walked around him, kneeling in front of him and looking him in his face. He had dark eyes and round cheeks.

"If you touch me again, it'll be in your throat next time." You forced at smile at him. "Understood?"

His eyes were trained on your's, giving you an eerie sense of hatred. He said nothing, but continued to clutch at his wound.

"Good. Now, tell me where you Commander is. Where are you stationed on this planet? What are you _here_ for?" You tried to keep your voice soft and calm despite the feeling of other's energy's beginning to penetrate your fortress. More 'troopers were coming and you were maskless with blood on your hands. You were running out of time.

You had thought he'd be wiser, perhaps fear for his life a little more, but instead you were met with a wad of spit on your cheek. "I'm not a traitor like the other one. You Rebel scum won't get anything from me." You smirked as you wiped his spit away, wiping your hand against your pants. _I won't win them all_ , you told yourself as you rose to your feet. There was no more time to fool around with him.

"Oh, of course you aren't."

You rolled your eyes and jabbed the dagger into his throat. He gargled on his blood and his bloodied hands reached for you, clawing furiously at your pants. You don't watch, you never do, and you stare up at the sun beginning to peer through the trees and you step away from him. You feel that pulsing fear, a cluster of it, far off and rushing towards you. You drag your dirtied hands over your pants again, distinctly wondering how you're ever going to get all of this blood off of them, and you begin to run again. Like you always do.

.

.

You found that Stormtroopers very rarely travel alone, especially when there's a killer hiding amongst the trees. Sometimes they marched in groups, or pairs, but never alone, and never at night. Finding where they set up their base on this planet should have been easier than it was for you now. In the past, whenever you encountered invasion by the First Order, there was always a 'trooper or two that would have gladly offered you a word if it meant you'd spare their lives. For some reason, it was different now. After the first one, you were able to corner three more and each of them were ready to die with their military secrets. All you were able to get out of them was that their Commander was very much _here_ and very much willingly to punish them fatally if they betrayed him.

Knowing he was here did a whole lot more for you than they would have thought though. If gave you a new purpose to find that base and rip every engine from every TIE fighter and personally light his Command Shuttle aflame. You'd do anything you could to inhibit the First Order. Anything to cause a disruption to their parade of manslaughter throughout the galaxy.

You weren't with the Resistance. You didn't care about the New Republic. It wasn't your place, you didn't know the first thing about their politics, you just remember you were happy and then you weren't. Kylo Ren attacked. He destroyed and he _ruined_ , and you just wanted to see him fail. You just wanted to rip that lightsaber from his hands and ask him what if felt like to have everything you fought for turn to ash in your hands. You wanted to know if Kylo Ren could feel pain. He destroyed your home, killed your friends. . .your Ben, and then he became commander of the First Order. You didn't know anything about politics, but it didn't take a politician to know that parading around the galaxy driving a lightsaber through anyone you deemed a traitor was wrong.

But were you any better? He killed and you killed. He had so much blood on his hands. You met so many grieving families that begged you, _you_ , to help them, and you had to look them in the face and tell them you were sorry. Because you were supposed to be a _Jedi_  and you couldn't even fucking _help_ anyone.

You weren't like him though. You weren't anything like Kylo Ren. When you killed, it was because you had to. You had to stop him because the Resistance was taking too longer and the longer they took, the more dangerous he became, with all the military power of the First Order behind his back. And you were but one. The odds were never in your favor, but you had to do it. You had to destroy the First Order.

Two weeks went by since your encounter with first Stormtrooper in the forest. It mostly consisted of you staying inside your hut, mentally trying to reach out to where you felt the most energy coming from. Despite the time that went by since you had trained properly with your Master, you had still managed to stay in tune with the Force. You had never learned how to block out other's emotions though, so having so many new people- _the Stormtroopers_ on the planet was a bit overwhelming. You tried to use it to your advantage though, channeling in on where the greatest mass of emotion and energy was coming from. Every time you got close, something pushed you out, or it got further away, you couldn't tell, but it felt like someone was intentionally trying to keep you away. You got a little closer every night, feeling like if you just pushed yourself hard enough, you would be able to find them. Still, it evaded you. You too often found yourself weary before the end of the night and always decided to try- _do_ it again tomorrow.

This morning, you had woken up to the sound of blasters being fired outside your front door. The shots were in such quick succession, you had scrambled out of your makeshift bed and to the floor and grabbed the blastsword at the foot of your bed. You clambered to your feet and swung around, holding your sword out in front of you defensively before the door even opened.

They had fired the lock off of your door, leaving you defenseless. You had waited, only taking your eyes off the door to make sure the energy outlet was turned on on the sword and holding your stance. You were ready. You could defend yourself against whatever was outside that door. You would.

When the door finally did open though, you felt you entire stance waver, firstly in your knees, which you were sure would give out. Blessedly, they didn't and you stood tall, immediately returning to your stance and pointing your sword out even further in front of your body. You could've imagined what you looked like. Messy hair and torn pajamas, bags underneath your eyes, and holding this huge sword in front of you as if it would actually do anything against _him_.

"Where are the others?" The Commander demanded, voice contorted by the apparatus of his mask.

You licked your lips, suddenly noticing how dry they were, and took a step forward. "There are no others. Only me."

He laughed, or sneezed, you couldn't exactly tell, but he made a noise that seemed somehow to be mocking you.

"And I suppose you're the diligent woman from the forest who has killed four of the First Order's soldiers, all by herself?"

He was definitely mocking you.

You glanced behind him, noticing the lack of Stormtroopers that followed him inside your hut. He was really that confident. Huh.

You took another step forward. "Yeah. That's me." He didn't say anything in response to you, just staring at you through that damned mask. "You have no business here." You added, the words a rush to leave your mouth.

"Tell me, you're not with the Resistance, but you still target the First Order. I suspect this isn't our first run-in with you." Your eyes barely had enough time to even follow his hand as it made for his hip, bringing that infamous lightsaber into your view and pressing something that made it come alive, red and pulsing and _in front of you_.

_"Who do you work for?"_

You had taken two steps back, right where you were when he came in and you remembered how small this place was. If he had so much as taken a step, his lightsaber would be at your throat.

You didn't know fear, it was something so absolutely foreign to you. The only time you had felt fear was when you had seen Kylo Ren that night, standing over a body and /heaving/. He had turned and looked at you, or through you, and made no move to hurt you, but still you were _afraid_  and you got up and ran and prayed to Maker and every god there was to believe in and prayed that he didn't follow you. And here it was again, making your hands shake and your tongue feel too big for your mouth. It made you unsure. You could see the stray flares crackle from his lightsaber and disappear around it. You wondered if it'd do the same if it were buried in your chest. You weren't that anxious to find out.

You lifted your weapon, immediately noticing your weakening stance and you swung your sword at him, overhead. He caught it with his hand, deliberately moving his lightsaber out of the way so you didn't impale yourself on it when charged at him. You heard that garbled laughter again from inside his mask and it made you pull at your sword until it slipped from his gloved hand and strike at him again. He caught it in front of him this time, grabbing the sword by the tip with one of his hands and you quickly pressed the button the fired a blaster shot and watched his hand retract quickly. He stared at the blood coming through his glove incredulously.

"Interesting."

Kylo Ren stepped forward, deactivating his lightsaber as he did and pulled your blastersword from your hands and threw it to the ground. His hand, the one you has shot, waved in front of your forehead and you saw black fighting at the corners of your vision. You fought it, struggling to find the Force within you, and stared at him. He felt so familiar in the Force. Something you haven't felt in a long time.

"Sleep."

It sounded like a demand and you fought it, but Kylo Ren was strong. Stronger. Your knees caved and you felt yourself fall on to a rough fabric and prayed again, for the first time in years, that it wasn't Kylo Ren.


	2. Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're just a pawn of a bigger plan.

Ben Solo had told you that space was nothing like you imagined. He told you of the trips he sometimes got to join his father on when he was a child. He told you about what the stars looked like when they sped past the windows of the Millennium Falcon. He had to described them like colorful masses that just looked like they were lines when his father went too fast. When they went slowed, he had tried to count how many stars were there were. Han had even helped him once, filling in numbers that Ben couldn't count to yet. Somehow, his memories in space had become yours. He would talk to you until there was nothing left for him to say, or one of you fell asleep. Everything was so vivid when he indulged you though, describing each color of each star. There were no windows on the space shuttle you had caught to Arbra. You had to sit next between two refugees from a planet that you couldn't even pronounce and found yourself asleep for most of the time. You had thought about Ben the entire time.  
  
Just like now.  
  
You open your eyes to the stars whipping past the frontal shield so quickly, they had been just colors flying by, just like Ben had told you they'd be. You head hurts, forcing you to look down away from the stars and into the darkness of your surroundings.  
  
"I thought you'd be asleep longer."  
  
You look to your left. Kylo Ren is sitting in a pilot’s chair, hunching over with his elbows on his knees. He hadn't even looked at you as he spoke, mask facing the frontal shield. You had wondered if this was him letting his guard down, if he ever did. He looks calmer than you had ever imagined him to be, even with the heavy rise and fall of his shoulders. You turn away from him.  
  
"Where are we going?" You ask. You hadn't expected to open your eyes again after yesterday, or however long you had been gone for.  
  
"I'm taking you to our base." He says nonchalantly.  
  
"I thought Starkiller was destroyed by the Resistance." You think back to the rumors you'd heard floating around whenever you went into the cities.  
  
"It's not Starkiller." His tone seems curt, and you decide that’s all you’ll hear of that.  
  
You had figured you would be reprimanded for killing his precious soldiers. You wonder if he figured it had also been you who had disabled their ships before. That was a time ago though, long before you jumped ship to Arbra and made something less reckless of your existence. Apparently tampering with First Order TIE fighters was another to end up short a head.  
  
You had stopped, granted, so you wondered if he would consider that when he drove his lightsaber through your chest. You had left them alone. Albeit, when they showed up on Arbra, your fire had reignited but you were  _afraid._  What if they seized Arbra, too? Overthrew the government there? They were a friend to the Republic if you had remembered correctly. They'd find you eventually and Kylo Ren would once again have ripped your serenity from your hands and crushed it beneath his feet.  
  
"You remember me." The sound of his voice made you turn your head, but you quickly turn back away once you processe his words.  
  
"You never forget the face of a killer." You whisper mostly to yourself, but you were sure he heard you. "Where are all of your Stormtroopers? Shouldn't they be protecting you?"  
  
Kylo finally tilts his mask towards you, a strange noise that sounded like blank static emanating from it. You frown at him, hard, and hope he feels your anger through the Force. You hoped that it fogged up and suffocated him.  
  
"I don't need to be protected." He says at length.

You smirk, nodding your head. "And why aren't I tied up? Do you not consider me a threat to you, Kylo Ren?"  
  
"Would you like to be? There's plenty of space in the back. . .if you would prefer being treated like a prisoner." Asshole.  
  
You sit forward, testing the waters at where he would cease your freedom. You rise to your feet, slowly, and walk towards the back of the ship. You only take a couple steps before you’re met with the end, finding it had been smaller in the back than it had felt in the front. You turn around and stare at the view from back here.  
  
"Where are you going?" He demands.  
  
"What am I going to do? Run away?" You drag your fingers across the, what you assumed to be, durasteel wall.  
  
This had to be his command shuttle. You had tried to disable the engines on this beauty a dozen times, but where the fighterships were weak, Kylo Ren's command shuttle had been strong. You wonder how well kept his shuttle was. How expensive it was to make this thing, and how much it cost to keep it this nice.  
  
You make your way back to the front, returning to your seat next to Kylo Ren. He didn't even look like he moved an inch since you got up. Upon your return though, that dark mask had turned your way. If he was going to say something, he didn't. It was eerily silent until you spoke again.  
  
"I'm going to die, right?" You stare him right in his visor, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you speak. "You're going to kill me for what I did, right?"

He makes a sound that you could only process to be a laugh. "You killed four Stormtroopers, directly interfering with First Order business. I should."  
  
You wait expectantly. You had figured he would follow up with something devastating like  _'and I will'_  or something, something to urge you to take your chances jumping out the hatch, if you could find it.  
  
Kylo's gloved hand rises from his lap. His fingers glide over a few buttons, making the shuttle slow significantly, so much that you could have pointed at the stars with your fingers now. You didn't though. You taste a forgotten dream with Ben on the tip of your tongue. It tastes like ash.  
  
When Kylo's hands stop flitting across the panel, you hear him stand up. You won’t look at him. You want to strangle him and he would easily overpower you. You took instead to tucking your hands in your lap and contemplating what it would take to end him.  
  
"We had gone to Arbra on speculation there had been a rebel base there. Obviously, the planet is a friend to the Republic so our landing, operations and departure had to be entirely. . .surreptitious." Kylo steps behind your chair and you can hear him cracking his knuckles underneath those black gloves. "I had intended to find the Resistance there now, but instead found you, prodding at my soldier's minds in the Force."  
  
You sigh. How could you be so stupid? If Kylo Ren had really attended them to Arbra, of course he would have felt you trying to find him. He was a  _Sith._  You should have known better.  
  
"And when you attacked me, your movements were completely unpredictable." Kylo continues, rapping his knuckles against the head of your chair. "The Force. My concern lies with where  _you_  learned to use it.  
  
Your teeth dig painfully into your lip.  _Where_ , he had asked. He and his Knights had burned it to ash and killed everyone in it.  
  
"Jedi killer." You whisper, tilting your head back on the rest so you could look up at him. You wonder if he could crush your windpipe at this angle. "That's what the people called you after you destroyed the only Jedi Academy, do you remember that?"  
  
Kylo's silence was answer enough for you. You see his hands flex out of the corners of your eyes. Had your blaster shot even hurt him?  
  
"That's where I learned." You press on, despite the growing tension that was emanating from him that you could feel jabbing you in the chest like a knife. "You destroyed it.”  
  
You hear the sound of Kylo moving behind you. You let out a deep breath, realizing the tension you had been holding since he took his first step towards you. His boots pace, loudly banging against the floor as he moves back and forth. You pull at the loose thread of your pajama pants. You were absolutely sure your mouth was going to get you murdered by Kylo Ren.  
  
Did he feel bad? Did he ever dream about them? Did he even remember? You wonder if they all had been lost in the sea of faces that he might have seen when he closed his eyes.

Kylo trudges back up to the console, angrily slamming his hand against a button that beeped for a few seconds. When it stops, Kylo begins speaking.  
  
"Disable the shields, the Command Shuttle is making its landing approach. I expect a Stormtrooper ready in the hanger upon arrival to escort me and our guest to the Supreme Leader's chamber." Kylo glances at you momentarily.

"Two Stormtroopers." He adds.

.

  
.

  
The rest of your ride had been tense and quiet. Kylo Ren had only come back to the front of the shuttle when he had to land it, but the second you were safely ground of the hangar, he had fled the shuttle, only just barely mumbling to you that you were to follow him. You thought about directly defying him, but you also thought about him dragging you there by your hair and decided that the former had been more preferable. You had scrambled to your feet, crossing your arms over your chest as you desperately tried to follow his brisk pace. You were very consciously aware how each and every person was armored to their teeth and you were wearing pajamas you had bought after trading an abandoned speeder. They were worn but they were comfortable and had been something akin to  _warm_  on Arbra, but that did not for the climates of their base.  
  
You also noticed how every Stormtrooper and officer alike had almost practically jumped out of Kylo Ren's way. You could see the red blush of panic creeping up their necks of the officers upon seeing his dark figure almost charging through the corridors. When their eyes fell to you, you felt their confusion tying a noose around your neck. It was damn near suffocating to come from each person you passed. It was so distracting you had almost lost your footing a dozen times.  
  
With each turn Kylo made, it seemingly led to an even longer corridor. You had wanted to yank that stupid, ripped half of his cloak and ask him how far he meant for you to walk, but you had soon found yourself in front of a blast door that was intimidatingly large and ominous. The door opens, unveiling a long chamber with a dark catwalk.  
  
Kylo enters with almost no hesitation. You, on the other hand, are rooted to the floor outside. He whips around, waiting for you to follow.

"I'm not going in there." You shake your head. "No."  
  
You can feel the darkness and evil pulsating from the room itself. It’s like a shadow that wanted to consume you, wanted to cover you. Water that wanted you to submerge beneath. You can feel it's power wrapping its tendrils around you and beckoning you to  _come_.  
  
"You will come. You will not keep the Supreme Leader waiting."  
  
You uncross your arms. Your hand lazily grazes over your thigh, for the first time deciding to check for your weapons. He'd obviously ripped your blastsword away at Arbra and you can only imagine the plasma lying on the floor in your hut. You'd never be able clean that up. He'd taken your dagger too. You had slept with it on, but he had noticed it. Of course he had.  
  
You feel cornered. If you turned on your heels and ran, Kylo and his 'troopers would chase you even figured out how to get this place. You already forgot how to get back to the hangar.

You tentatively took your first step in. You thought about Ben. He was good, a perfect attachment to the light, even with all of this darkness surrounding you. You thought of his willfulness, his sheer determination. You take another step. You try to ward off the darkness and slowly follow behind Kylo as he walks further into the chamber.  
  
A hologram appears once you got halfway down the catwalk. It was huge, looming over both you  _and_  Kylo and the hollowed face of the thing staring down at you had made chills run up your spine.  
  
Kylo stops at the platform, nodding towards the space next to him. You cautiously make your way beside him. The hologram shows a haunting man, who leans forward at the sight of you.  
 

"Who have you brought before me?" The hologram demands.  
  
His skin was decayed around his cheeks and a haunting pale gray color. You hadn't imagined that there was something more terrifying than Kylo Ren pulling strings behind the First Order. He had looks like what you imagined Kylo would too underneath that mask.  
  
"A new apprentice, Supreme Leader."  
  
What?  
  
You wrench your eyes from the menace that was the Supreme Leader to snap your head towards Kylo. You watch as Kylo's hands come up underneath his mask and a dull hissing sound from the bottom of the mask as the front comes away from his face. When he pulls it over his head, you don't know what you were expecting to see. Maybe something that screamed Sith. Horns, decaying skin, something that made him look  _evil_  just like you always imagined he did after all these years. You imagined you would stare into the face of death, not the soft brown eyes of the love of your life.  
  
" _Ben?_ "

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	3. You Will Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're not going to fight for the man that killed your friends, even if he was the love of your life.

Your back slams against the wooden wall on the outside of a home. You brush the back of your hand across your forehead, pushing stray hairs that cling to your skin away and prepping yourself to start running again. Those beasts will probably torch this place to ash if they think you've been lingering here. Some innocent family could get murdered because of you. Shit, you have to lure them away.  
  
You can't feel them in the Force, but you can hear them stomping through the mud like a horde of animals, snapping branches underneath their feet as they get closer. You knock your fist against the wall, taking three deep breaths, and darting from the shack.  
  
You try for the trees, but you can see a darkened black figure lurking behind the foliage, just waiting for you to get close enough. You skid to a stop, all but slipping in the mud so you can run in the opposite direction, pushing into a different section of the forest.  
  
You can't see anything ahead of you. You reach your hands out in front of you to shove away branches and leaves, but most of it slaps against your wet skin and the thorns tick into your arms. Your mind is too fuzzy to even be used to reach out in the Force. It's the first time in your life you've ever felt helpless.  
  
And Ben. You don't even know what happened to him. You don't see him in all the chaos, despite all your searching. He's the first one you looked for. They probably killed. . . _no, you can't think that. Not now._  
  
You run faster, pushing yourself despite the throbbing of your head or the hollowness in your chest. Your vision is blurring white around the edges.  
  
"It was a good try."  
  
You hear the metallic rumble of his voice behind you just as all of your bones lock into place. Your body freezes, but the heavy thumping of your heart won't cease in the slightest and if anything, gets louder.  
  
The Knight circles around you, looking down at you through that black mask and it almost seems like he's mocking you. He's laughing at you, covered in mud up to your shins, soaking with sweat, and _afraid_. He must love that you're afraid. The beast!  
  
"What are you running from?"  
  
You shake your head, grinding your teeth together, and saying nothing. You can't conjure anything that won't result in your hands wrapped around his throat and crushing his head inside that stupid mask.  
  
_Jedi don't kill. Jedi don't kill. Jedi don't kill._  
  
"Who are you protecting?"  
  
_Everyone. Myself. No one._  
  
"Is it Ben? Do you think you can go back and save him?"  
  
_Yes._  
  
A flash of red beside him draws your attention, the dull hum of his lightsaber coming to life making and your stomach sink. You look up towards the mask.  
  
"You can't." 

_I can._  
  
His lightsaber is drawn upwards, shoving through your stomach and stilling. Your mouth hangs open in a silent cry as you desperately look down at the wound. Blood.  
  
"I killed him."  
.

.

  
"Did you sleep well?"  
  
You slowly open your eyes, met with the dim light of a single bulb on the ceiling and a dark shadow hovering near the door. He's as stiff as a rock, barely even moving to breathe. You rub both of your palms against your eyes as they adjust to the light and sit up. The bones in your back pop and crack as you do.  
  
"Fuck you." You respond curtly. "How long have I been here?"

You don't remember anything after seeing Ben underneath that mask that plagued your dreams for years. Everything had ceased to be as soon as you saw those eyes, that fucking face for the first time in years. You didn't know if you had fainted or if you had just simply mentally abandoned your entire body, but everything had vacated your entire mind. And now you were here. Somewhere.  
  
"Three days." You notice the way his mask hisses when he pronounces his 'S's.  
  
"Took you three days to come investigate your new prisoner?" You shake your head. You haven't even bothered to rise to your feet, instead only leaning against the wall as you sit on your mat.  
  
"Perhaps you noticed I was commanding an entire army." Kylo Ren curls his fists at his sides. "That you were deliberately trying to sabotage."  
  
Kylo walks over to the edge of the mat you're sitting on and crouches down, tilting his helmet so he can regard you. Of course, you must be quite the sight to see. You probably look as bad as you feel. You suddenly feel very self-conscious, but immediately try to write off the feeling because who is Kylo Ren to judge _you_?  
  
"It was only a few TIEs. I know you have enough funds to repair them." You say, staring into the visor of his mask.  
  
"And soldiers, valuable soldiers that are needed to destroy the New Republic and you've cost us several." Kylo stands, turning his back to you and he begins to pace.  
  
There's silence between you two after that. You can't tell if he's expecting you to beg for mercy or deny his claims, which you won't. You did those things. He knows you did, and what ever could you hope to gain by _lying_  to him?  
  
"Are you going to kill me now?" You didn't even realized you had asked him aloud until he stops pacing back and forth, turning his mask towards you with something that felt like malice. You think if you stay still any longer, he'll charge you and rip your throat out, so you shakily get to your feet. The sheet that had been draped over your lap pools on the mat as you stand. You've been cautious to stay close to the wall on the other end of the room, far away from him. You brace one hand against it.  
  
"You're afraid of me."  
  
You would snort if it wasn't so damn true. You're terrified.  
  
"You've built yourself quite the reputation. I'd be stupid not to be, right?" You force the words out despite sudden the dryness of your mouth.  
  
Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. Kylo turns to you fully. There's a weird static coming from the modulator of his mask, but it stops abruptly. "Who do you work for?"  
  
Oh.  
  
He's asked you that before, you remember. You haven't answered him because there is no answer. There is no employer paying you to destroy First Order ships and kill Stormtroopers, otherwise you would be sitting pretty in a nicer home than some abandoned hut.  
  
"Nobody." You say at length. "It's just me."  
  
His fist makes contact with the wall beside him and you flinch so hard that your body had nearly doubles over. The sound of his fist connecting with the durasteel echoes thunderously throughout the entire room and leaves an impressively sized dent in the wall. Your hands clap over your ears and you squeeze your eyes shut. He does it three more times. When he finally stops, turning back towards you, his body _heaving_ , you glare at him and cautiously remove your hands from your ears.  
  
"What the _fuck_ -"  
  
"You expect me to believe that? You alone could pose such a threat to the First Order?" He advances towards you. You're lucky to make out what he even says because it sounds like a bunch of garbled mess. You stand tall, face contorted in disbelief.  
  
" _Who_ do you work for?" He demands again. He's so close you can almost see the mechanisms underneath his mask as you stare up at him, seething just as much as he is.  
  
"I told you I don't work for anyone, you fucking _beast_."  
  
You hear the sound of his leather gloves rubbing against themselves as his hands curl once again at his sides. You're too afraid to look, fearing if you take your eyes off of his visor, he'll brandish that lightsaber of his.  
  
"What exactly do you hope to gain by interfering with military operations?" His mocking tone that burns anger into your heart has returned. He doesn't expect you to have an answer. Maker, he's speaking to you like you're a _child_.  
  
"You should kill me." You say without hesitation. "You should kill me because if you don't, I will kill you first."  
  
A noise, that you're positive is a laugh this time, emits from his mask. "You would kill me?"  
  
You nod.  
  
When you see his hands reach for his mask, you turn your head so quickly you would think he'd struck you. Your eyes lock on the wall beside you and focus there. You do not want to see his face again, in fear that you'll faint again. You will never let yourself be so weak near him again. Your hands cross over your chest and you look back at him, watching him lift the mask over his face. _You will not fear the person underneath, you will not be intimidated by him, or by anyone_. Not even his precious Supreme Leader.  
  
For some reason, this time you expect to see something different. Still, it's the familiar face of Ben that stares back at you. He drops his mask to the floor, the sound echoing through the cell. You're trying to be strong, but your heart leaps into your throat and makes it hard to look at him. You want him so badly to be a scarred beast under there, trying to distinct your dreams of Ben Solo and the nightmares of Kylo Ren from one another, but they mingled together and formed into one. You _hate_  Kylo Ren. You had watched him sink his lightsaber into the chest of too many of your friends, faces that had become all blurred in time, and you sworn to the Maker you'd see him fall.  
  
He's completely stoic, not like the Ben you remember who was always smiling around you, something so beautiful that you'll never forget. His deep brown eyes are staring at you with a smirk pulling at the corner of those lips- _his_ lips. You feel like you're going to vomit, so you turn away, facing the wall behind you and blinking back tears. It's a lie.  
  
"It's a trick, isn't it?" Your voice cracks miserably, doing little to conceal the influx of emotions you're getting. _You_  can't even decipher what it is exactly you're feeling. "It's one of those Sith mind tricks, you're trying to trick me. You asshole."  
  
His boots are loud as he walks over to you, placing both of his hands on your shoulders and leaning his head down so his lips are near your ear as he speaks. "Only if you want it to be."  
  
The contact is too much for you. You jerk his hands away, squirming to get away from him and bee-lining for anything away from him. You go to the opposite corner of the room, putting your hands out defensively in front of you when you hear his boots approaching behind you.  
  
"Don't. No. Don't touch me." You won't look him in the eye or anywhere near his face for that matter, choosing instead to stare at the stitching of of his robes, his boots, his hands, /anything/.  
  
"Are you still so afraid of me?"  
  
You sob. It wracks through your whole body as you try to keep your arms up in front of you, but they fall limply at your sides. You don't know what to say to him, but you know you need to get away from him. You know you need to get out of here. You can't trust your mind around him, he has the power of the Dark Side behind him and you've been so out of touch with your Force abilities since the destruction of Luke's temple, you're lucky if you even motivate yourself to train on your own, let alone to keep Kylo out of your head. You still aren't sure how you're pulling that one off.  
  
Kylo takes a step forward and you take a step back, squeezing yourself between the walls. You'll probably have to fight him, you realize, if you want to get out of here. If he will let you go, then the Supreme Leader absolutely won't. He knows you now and that means that his sights are forever set on you. If you run, he will find you. He will have you killed or turned into a slave that will bend to his will. . . like. . . Kylo.  
  
"You know I wouldn't hurt you." Kylo says.  
  
"Do I?" You retort without a thought. You don't and he knows that. You can tell he doesn't even believe that.  
  
You never let rumors change the way you've seen someone, but you've seen Kylo Ren's violence at first hand. His face might be a familiar one, but it's not the same person. Ben Solo isn't standing before you. This is Kylo Ren.  
  
"The Supreme Leader says you're exceptionally skilled. He assumes that your strength in the Force is what we need. Combined with mine, he believes we will have enough strength to tear down the New Republic _and_ the Resistance sooner than we anticipated." Kylo hesitates, looking carefully at your face. "There would be order."  
  
You shake your head, dragging your hands miserably down your face. The older tear stains dried and left their path on your face, but the new ones you wipe away.  
  
"You-" You swallow the building lump in your throat. "You're fucking kidding me, right?"  
  
Kylo stares at you, unresponsive, and you sigh.  
  
"You're delusional, you know that, right? You really think I would fight for _you_? Do you even fucking remember me?" Your hands are shaking when you raise them and drag them through your hair.  
  
He dips his head, looking at you through those long lashes and he turns his back to you. He whispers your name under his breath and you would've missed it if all of your senses weren't all so hypersensitive to his presence.  
  
"You are gifted with the Force. You were exceptionally skilled in combat, extremely tactile and smart. I would hope you haven't lost any of those qualities. You would need them if you mean to survive by yourself." You watch him begin to walk towards the door and you rush forward, covering the door with your body and staring him right in his face. You're angry. Angry that he would even regard you just by your talents. You had never forgotten a single thing about Ben Solo and to be regarded by him or whoever he was now, so coolly now had your blood boiling in your veins.  
  
You stood there, perhaps waiting for him to shove you out of his way and prove to you he was a savage beast like you had thought all this time. Kylo Ren stood there, staring at you as you had him. He didn't make a move. You wondered if he was even breathing.  
  
"You owe me answers. You owe me a lot of fucking answers and I need them now." You threw your words at him with bite in your voice.  
  
"I owe you nothing."  
  
"You owe me everything! You killed our friends and let me think you were dead for however many years so you could go terrorize the galaxy! I can't sleep because of you! Because I thought you were dead and I never got to say goodbye to you. I thought your body was laying in the mud, mutilated and- and _covered_ in blood and I couldn't go back there and bury you because I was so _afraid_  of _you_ , Kylo Ren. I thought you were going to come back and kill me! I left the whole planet!" Your eyes searched his face desperately for any sense of recognition in him. Anything that would tell you that he cared even a little bit and you hadn't just wasted your time spilling your guts to him.  
  
Emotionless as ever and you had put both of your hands against his chest and tried to shove him backwards. Kylo seized your wrists, squeezing them and the leather was cool against your burning skin. You had tried to wrestle your arms away but he held firm.  
  
His dark eyes were boring into your's. You had lost yourself in them a thousand times. You even once remembered finding solace in the darkness of his eyes, when Ben wrapped himself around you and pulled you so tight to him you thought you'd suffocate. You were in love with Ben Solo.  
  
"The Supreme Leader has instructed me to teach you." Kylo Ren threw your wrists back at you. His helmet had returned to his hands gracefully from the floor. "You _will_  learn." He snapped it back into place after pulling it over his head and used the Force to move you from the door. You were shoved to the side. The door opened and his large body took a step out before it stopped and he looked at you over his shoulder.  
  
"You _will_  fight."  
  
You stood there, teeth gnashing at your bottom lip.  
  
You decided there that you hated Kylo Ren.  
  
_And you would destroy him._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s/o to VaderDown for staying up with me until almost 2 AM to help me edit this. You're amazing.


	4. Are You Weak?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a revelation, one you wouldn't have anticipated on if you hadn't seen it for yourself. You have to do whatever you can to get there, but where does that mean you'll end up?

 

You’re glad Kylo Ren didn't come back again after that. He left you to the chilly confines of your new home and though you’ve been reluctant in coming, it’s a hell of a lot easier than fending for yourself in the middle of the forest. The mat you have to sleep on isn't luxury but it’s soft and warm when you lay your head against it at night. You get your two meals a day and despite the poor quality horrid taste, it’s _food_ and food is good.   
   
You crawled every centimeter of your cell in your spare time though, and found that the First Order is nothing if not skilled in keeping their prisoners. . .well, prisoners. There’s no way you’re getting out of here by normal means and the only time that door opens is when the Stormtrooper outside is kicking food in your room or if you begged well enough, to bring you to the bathroom. Otherwise it’s sealed tight. Your curiosity even itched at you enough to try to call on the Force to at least put a dent in the wall, but it held tight. If Kylo had specifically put you in a force-suppressing room, you wonder how he was able to use the Force to retrieve his helmet. Is he really that strong? The thought nagged at you bitterly and you hated him a little more for actually being what the legends tell he is. You anticipated that he'll be weaker, like in your dreams. Dreams are only meant for sleeping though, aren't they?  
   
The nights come and go as they do, and so often you found yourself clinging to the sheet draped over your body and just _thinking_. It isn't so foreign to you. Even back on Arbra, you either slept in excess or didn’t sleep at all and instead occupied yourself with _trying_ to train yourself. Even that failed, usually resulting with your resolve crumbling and wishing better luck for another day. There’s no hope of training here. So you have four walls that listen as you preach your soul to the air.  
   
One night, you asked the Maker if he'd forgive you after what you've done to seek revenge on Kylo Ren for wronging you and people you care about. You justify yourself in your head because that's the best you can do for yourself. The thought forces you to lay your head down on your mat and try to will it away. You’re nothing like Kylo. He did what he did out of cold blood. He did what he did for reasons you still don't even know, and somewhere deep down, you decide you don't want to either. What he did, betraying the Jedi, betraying his uncle and even _you_ , there is nothing he can say to make that okay, to quell the ache you’ve felt for so long. You don't want to know because you aren't sure if you can take it. Whatever he said to you, you would want it to be true, because you love Ben and Ben wouldn't lie to you. Right?  
   
It doesn't matter.   
   
You wipe your tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand, grimacing at how much you’ve cried since you've been here. He will not see you cry again.   
   
When you decide that sleep just won't come tonight, you take to sitting up on your mat and wrapping your sheet around your shoulders. There’s no light underneath the door that leads to the hallway. Is it soundproof? You doubt so, positive the 'trooper outside hears every breath you draw.   
   
You crawl forward, sitting in front of the door. The floor is made out of durasteel, just like Kylo's command shuttle, and it is damn cold as you kneel on it. You rap your fist against it a few times and receive no response. Slowly, you press your ear against the door and listen to it echo down the hallway. It sounds empty, except for the distant sound of a conversation somewhere further down. Your body presses closer against the door. There’s a distinct hope that you’ll hear something you aren't meant to. Something imperative to the First Order.  
   
The door draws upward, forcing your body to tumble forward. Your hands brace your body but your eyes just barely catch the sight of white before you feel the Stormtrooper's boot against your face. Pain radiates from your cheek to your eye and jaw as you lurch backwards, hand holding the side of your face.  
   
"Nice try, scum." The Stormtrooper snarls down at you. His foot prods at you to get your feet back in the room. His hand is reaching for the button to close the door.  
   
You keep your feet planted firm. "I need to pee." The words come out smoother than you expect, considering the mixture of blood and spit in your mouth.   
   
The 'trooper motions the corner of the room to the right. It’s no different than the other corners, just two conjoined walls and the floor. You frown at him.  
   
"Take me to the bathroom." You demand.  
   
"You think I'm taking orders from you, bitch?  Get back in your cell or I'll let the blastdoor take those feet off of you." His forefinger digs into the button.  
   
The loud hiss of the blastdoor coming down has you retracting your feet in as quickly as you can. Guess you aren't getting out that way. You spit the blood mixed with the saliva onto the floor, hissing at the sting left in the wake of you opening your mouth.  
   
Using the Force for what you did felt wrong each time you did it. You’ve only ever known the light side of the Force and what you did felt dark. You don't want the darkness to touch you though, no, you only use it in such a way when you feel your hands are tied. Somehow though, despite being dead or planets away, you can feel Master Luke watching you with disappointment every single time. You hope he’ll understand, should your paths ever cross again, because at first it was for vengeance you killed, and now it will be to save your own life.  
   
Hours pass and you have a small puddle of pink blood gathering on the floor, having to spit every time the metallic taste gathers in your mouth. Your cheek is starting to swell and throb and you’re almost glad you can't make out your reflection in the floor. You don't want to see the bruise that this will leave. You don't even want to see what you look like in general.  
   
You knock on the door again, one loud resounding bang on the blastdoor. The effect is instantaneous. The Stormtrooper on the other side opens the door, already saying something about how _fucking_ annoying you are.   
   
You hold your hand out, focusing purely on what his mind feels like in your head. His memories and thoughts come flashing at you suddenly but you flush them out best you can. You search for his gaze, looking for certainty that you have his full attention, total control, but you can't read much through his helmet. His yelling ceases and his arms hang loosely at his sides, blaster clanking loudly against the floor.  
   
"Come here. Close the door." Your voice wavers as you speak and you motion for him to come toward you as you rise to your feet, sheet pooling around your ankles.  
   
He obeys you, stepping around his fallen blaster to heed your wish. Where does your influence over his mind end? You briefly wonder for a moment, but the thought is fleeting as you focus on holding his mind in the palm of your hand.   
   
"Tell me how to get out of here." You close your hand a bit, watching the Stormtrooper shake his head.  
  
"I don't know." He told you honestly. "They don't tell anyone anything anymore, not after the traitor." His words are a jumbled mess, one slurring into the next and you open your hand, watching him gently regain a bit of consciousness over himself.  
   
"What traitor? What did he do?" You ask.   
   
The Stormtrooper doesn't respond and he’s _fighting_ you. Your hand closes into a fist, sharply, and you concentrate on prying his mind open.  
   
"FN-2187, he deflected from the First Order and went to fight for the Resistance and helped the Pilot and the Scavenger escape from Starkiller base." It reluctantly leaves his lips.   
   
"The Pilot and the Scavenger?"  
   
You can feel the pressure of the room closing on you. Where are you drawing this power from? You’ve been trying to just open the door for days and you were met bitterly with disappointment. You push harder.  
  
"The Resistance's best pilot and a girl scavenger we picked up on Jakku. She's like Commander Ren, she can use the powers, too."  
   
"She could use the Force?"   
   
"Yes." It’s quick to leave his mouth.  
   
Another? There’s another? Your questioning turns into probing. You sift through his memories, seeing everything he sees, feeling everything he feels. You listen to the orders spoken at him from the Captain and feel his fear. No, that's not what you’re looking for. Deeper. _Conditioning_. You draw back slightly as the trials of abuse that the 'troopers faced in order to be. . . _made_ into soldiers flash before you. You look for menial things, things people normally forget. Brief conversations, fleeting thoughts. You feel the tether of the memory of destruction of Starkiller Base pulling at you, thoughts of the Scavenger buried underneath it. You try to be gentle with his mind, but pulling that memory apart has the 'trooper letting out a shout and you have to focus on keeping him locked in place now, simultaneously trying to tear yourself in two so you can dig deeper. It’s there, you know it is, but he wants to keep it hidden from you. _Oh_.  
   
"She's with the Resistance." You whisper. You never even found the Resistance base after looking for so long. How did she end up there? You searched every end of the galaxy.  
   
Even more pressing than that was the map they had been looking for. Kylo made a bad call, he let it slip through his grasp. _Master Luke is alive_ , and there’s a map somewhere to prove it.  
   
You release the Stormtrooper's mind, staring at the visor of his mask. The First Order is weak. They’re weak because Luke Skywalker is still alive and the Resistance is beside him. Along with the Scavenger, the Traitor, and the Pilot they fear so greatly. Why didn't you look harder? Why didn't you look harder for the Resistance base? You knew it was there, somewhere. Ben told you about his mother, General Leia Organa, and the first thing you did after Kylo Ren's attack on Luke's temple was toss your ligthsaber into a river and get on a spaceship to find a new sense of belonging. But you couldn't find it. You looked for a year and ended up on Arbra by yourself.  
   
Duly, you remember that you can still go. Now that you _know_ they're out there, somewhere, you can still go find them. You forget you have the Stormtrooper's body locked in your grasp and your new determination flares inside your chest.   
   
"Take off your helmet." You demand, stepping toe to toe with him, fiercely glaring up at him.  
   
You let his body go, his limbs all back in his control. You dare him to attack you now, you’ll break his neck. His arms rise and tear the helmet off of his head, revealing the face of a man who looks to be no older than yourself. You frown at him.   
   
"Look at me." You demand and his eyes flicker to yours, challenging. "You didn't see me." You tell him, raising your hand to wave across his face. His body falls gracelessly to the ground, helmet rolling out of his hands and away from his body.   
   
You turn, willing the door to open with your mind, and surprisingly the blastdoor draws upward and you see the light of the corridor filter in your dark room. [You’ll find the hangar that you arrived in, you can get someone to pilot it. You wonder if you can keep yourself that focused long enough to get anywhere. You don't know the first thing about flying _anything_ , but you’ll sooner fend for yourself than be locked in spacecraft with someone trying to kill you.]  
   
But sneaking down there will be the hard part. You’ll worry about the rest later. You’re a shining beacon for trouble if anyone sees you. All you have to do is figure your way down there, though. You can do this.   
  
You step forward, over the Stormtrooper's unconscious body and toward the door, bracing yourself as you cross the room and sprint for the door. The Force is buzzing around you. You dreamt of finding your Master again, and lo and behold, he lives and all you have to do is _get out of here._  
   
"What are you doing?"  
  
_No. . ._  
   
A shroud of black clouds the doorway, light only breaking through where his body doesn't absorb it all. You take a step back, watching the darkness shroud him as he steps into your room.   
   
"Get out of my way. I'm leaving."   
   
How does he know? How does he know? How does he _know_? You’re so close. He doesn't know what you know. You keep him out, but you can feel him prodding across the ship because he wants to know that you’re here. How does he _know_?  
   
Your brain scrambles and clambers for answers but each of them doesn't piece together. How does he know?  
   
"I asked you a question."   
   
"Fuck you." You say through your teeth. "I was so close. How did you know?"  
   
"Where do you think you were drawing from? Do you think your power alone would be enough to _snuff_ a Force-suppressing room?" Kylo Ren advances toward you and you clench your hands into fists at your sides. You can fight him, but you know you won't win. That doesn’t mean you won't try.  
   
He stops in front of you, regarding the other person in the room for a moment, but when he realizes it’s his own Stormtrooper, he turns back to you. You don't need him to take off his mask to see him frown.   
   
"You didn't kill him." Kylo pauses, trying to feel your mind again, but you’re grounded in at least that aspect, and keep him very much out. "Why do you want to leave?"  
   
"I'm a _prisoner_ -"  
   
"A guest." Kylo interrupts.  
   
You let out a shuddering breath in sheer anger. "A guest that is kept locked in a cell like a _prisoner_ and treated like a _prisoner_. You’re a shitty host."  
   
His gloved hand comes up to your cheek, ghosting over the purpling bruise on your face and you have half a mind to go and bite his thumb off with your bare teeth. You don't.  
   
"I'll have him executed."   
   
"Charming." You spit back, harsh and full of anger. You don't know if it’s supposed to be a swooning gesture from him, something to say sorry, but it does nothing to warm your heart in the slightest. Having a roof and food might be nice, but it isn't lavish and either way, it wouldn't matter if it was. You want to find Master Luke.  
   
Kylo's hand draws from your cheek. "Supreme Leader wants me to begin training w-"  
   
"What aren't you hearing me? I will not-"  
   
"Or he can order me to kill you. If you are not our ally, you are our enemy. I told him your life was worth saving, that you would be useful to the advancement of the First Order. Did I make a mistake?" You might fumble for an answer but anything that comes out of your mouth will end up getting you killed. _Unpredictable_. The word chimes through your head like a bell. You were so close.  
   
You sigh.  
   
"When?"  
   
.  
   
.  
  
Kylo Ren let you _shower_. You swallowed what had been your pride, and told him you would go with him, thinking wholeheartedly of how you needed to actually be alive in order to get back to Master Luke. You would indulge him until you found cracks in their base and were able to slip out and be gone. Until then, you would survive. You had to.

Kylo had led you to a communal shower for the female Stormtroopers and gave you strict instructions that you had thirty minutes and he would return and your training would begin after that. You forgot to ask him what exactly you training would have been, but it slips your mind as soon as the warm water hit your body.

You scrub the dirt from underneath your fingernails and off of your skin and watch it disappear down the drain. Your skin was soft under your fingers as the dirt of the past few days disappears. You’re all too happy to put your face underneath the spray, the water warm just like the rain in Arbra.

Once you’re done, you dry off and squirm into whatever clothes he left for you. There’s a black shirt and black leggings, which by looking at you can tell won’t fit over your hips comfortably. You try, though, and you get them on. The shirt goes on well enough and you’re at least great for that. You leave, dragging your feet into the hallway where Kylo is waiting, menacing and dark while Stormtroopers made the visible effort to walk on the other end of the hallway.

Kylo nods to you, motioning for you to follow again and you do, padding behind him like a lost puppy. The corridors are as long as you remember from the first night you’d been here. Dim lights hang from the walls and everything is smooth, shining and hard. Is it all durasteel? You know there has to be something stronger holding this entire place together.

You stare at Kylo’s back while you walk behind him. Wide shouldered and commanding respect wherever he went. Everyone here knew what Kylo was capable of. You were an outsider, you didn’t know anything they did. You knew rumors of Kylo Ren, and you had your memories, but you didn’t know him as a person. No matter what face was underneath that mask, it was not the same person you knew in the past.

Kylo stops suddenly and you notice the large doors in front of him. You’re in a different part of the ship. There’s less Stormtroopers around, only one at each end of the of the hallway. The doors look to grand so be in the military section of the ship, so you could only assume that this was near the living quarters. One ‘trooper you had met had told you he’d sooner sleep in the forest, like you, for the rest of his life, rather than come back here. Kylo turned to you.

“I will teach you the ways of the Force. You are to come here at dawn, every day.” His tone is monotonous and you think he thought you’d failed to catch the hesitation between his words. You do, but you keep that to yourself.

“I know the Force already.” You squint at him, glaring into his visor. “Every day?”

Kylo turns away from you, opening the doors and he goes inside, disappearing from your sight and you have no choice but to follow after him.

“There is no time to waste. The Resistance gains strength every day we let them stampede through the galaxy like savages, provoking mutiny and insurrection against the First Order.” The mechanisms underneath Kylo’s helmet hiss as he pulls it away from his face, tossing it to the floor carelessly. “The Supreme Leader sees that you have potential to be a heavy factor in the end result of this war.” Kylo peels his leather gloves off of his hands and you watch his pale skin become visible. “I don’t know if such a thing is true.” His dark eyes focus on yours and he drops his gloves, fingers pulling at the cowl behind him and unlatching it from around him and letting it fall to the floor.

“Are you weak?” He asks.

“No.”

“Then fight me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll get somewhere eventually.


	5. The Scavenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've never been so easily swayed.

“Fuck!”

Your back hits the ground hard, chest rising and falling rapidly as you try to catch your breath. You can’t tell if it’s the lack of oxygen getting to your brain or if you’ve finally fucking lost it, but you can see the ceiling spinning above you. It swirls and spreads into two.

“Get up.” Kylo commands from somewhere far off in the room.

“You’re going to kill me.” You sit up halfway, resting on your elbows.

Sitting in that cell for however long did no good to your body. Your balance was all off and you stood no chance against him. He knew that and each time you fell down, he commanded you to get up and try again. You consider telling him eating scraps for breakfast and dinner in a dark room hadn’t exactly made your stronger, but you know he’ll tell you that’s no excuse.

“I’m not going to kill you. Get up,” Kylo cracks his knuckles, “unless you’re giving up.”

You snort as you let your head fall back and breathe out an exasperated sigh. Still, you clumsily get up to your feet, legs shaking and body _begging_ you to lie down again. You ignore it and put your hands up beneath your chin. Kylo’s face returns to its signature stoicism as he does the same as you and beckons for you to attack again. You’re not going to because last time you did, you ended up flat on your back, just like a moment ago.

It takes him a moment to realize you’re playing defense now instead of charging head-on. He lunges at you. He goes for your legs, his right leg darting out to take both of yours out in a sweeping kick, but you jump, despite the ache in every one of your muscles and barely have enough time to put your hands back up when you see his fists coming for your head. You block, pushing against his blows and try to push him back. But he stops, angry as he steps closer to you.

“You need to attack,” both of Kylo’s hands wrap themselves around your wrists and yank them away from your face, “It can’t be one or the other. You _need_ to protect yourself and take out your opponent.”

You pull your arms harshly away from him. Your brow furrows angrily at him and move back into position. “I get it.” You hiss. The lingering warmth of his hands on your wrists actually make you want to attack him. You have no problem getting on that boat.

Kylo takes a few steps back, repeating the same motion from before for you to attack him. You do this time, carefully thinking about where he expected you to hit him. You run towards him, ducking instinctively underneath his fist as he tries to punch you, and you strike him with your fist in his jaw. It only hinders him for a moment. You turn around, trying to put more distance between yourself and him, but Kylo latches both of his arms around your waist. He pulls you off your feet, against his chest and hisses in your ear, “You don’t turn your back on your enemy. Get out of this.”

His grip doesn’t loosen and you jab your elbow backwards repeatedly. You can’t hit him at this angle, you’re too far up, and each passing second he’s squeezing tighter. If you didn’t get out soon, he was going to split you in two.

You slam your head back, feeling the rippling pain of the back of your skull colliding with his mouth. His arms let go of you and you’re dead weight when you hit the ground. It doesn’t stop you from scrambling away from him, crawling as fast as you can until you stumble to your feet.  Your back is to him again, but the second you remember, you spin around and watch him as you hesitantly take a few steps backwards. Kylo’s back is to you, one hand visibly cupping his face as the other rubs against his thigh.

You don’t think when you run towards him. You’re all adrenaline. You stop short, kicking your foot into the back of each of his legs. He falls to his knees, his head hanging. You would have pushed him completely to the ground if he didn’t hold out a hand, freezing you completely in place. He couldn’t stand to lose, could he? He always had to play dirty.

“Enough.”

You notice his other hand has smears of blood across it and he flicks it to the floor carelessly before he rubs his hand against the leg of his pants. He doesn’t even look like he’s concentrating on keeping you still, like it’s just so effortless for him. Your heart is thrumming in your ears. You did what he asked you to. He told you to attack and you saw your opportunities. He must have hated that he even gave you any to begin with. When Kylo finally lifts his head, it’s only when he’s standing again. His bottom lip is cut and bleeding, but he sucks it between his teeth, taking it completely from your sight as if it wasn’t there.

“You get carried away, you will get yourself killed.” he looks at you as he considers you. “Hit harder.”

“I just kicked your ass!” You retaliate. There was no way he was taking this away from you. “I made you _bleed_ , are you kidding me?”

 “Did you kill me?”

“No.” You look at him incredulously. “No. What?”

What the hell was he getting at?

“Then you haven’t kicked anyone’s _ass_.” Kylo releases his Force grip on you, letting you move freely.

You tug down the sleeves of your shirt, having had rolled them up before you started. Fighting him had completely defeated the purpose of taking a shower earlier. You were just as dirty and sweaty as you were this morning.

Was he going to send you back to that cell after this? Seeing something beside the same four walls had been almost overwhelming for you at first. There were people who didn’t have white helmets over their heads in the hall. In the training room, there’s entire wall made of glass. There’s snow on the ground and on the leaves of the trees. It didn’t snow on Arba. You haven’t seen actual snow on the ground since before you had to leave your childhood home.

You turn your attention back to Kylo. He’s slipping his gloves back over his hands, which must have meant that he was done with you for today. You pull your sleeve over you hand and wipe the sweat from your forehead and cheeks and head towards the door, waiting for Kylo to fasten his helmet back into place. You can feel the uncomfortable wave of fear each time you looked at that mask. Seeing the familiar face underneath it had been enough to quell your anxiety for a while, but the mask reminded you of. . .why you need to leave.

 _I need to leave anyways_ , you tell yourself, _Ben being alive isn’t a reason to subject myself to this._ You can’t even consider staying here. Supreme Leader, First Order, Kylo Ren. They were all branches of the same tree. This isn’t where you belong. You’re not on the right side of the war, the war you didn’t even want to be a part of anyways, but you’d be damned if you were on _their_ side.

You just need to wait for the opportunity.

Kylo approaches you, opening the blast door with a wave of his hand.  He steps out of the room wordlessly and you keep a steady pace behind him.

Can he sense your conflict? You knew he wasn’t in your head, and you didn’t want him there, but you wonder if he can feel anything from you at all. Were you cutting him off completely from yourself? He found you on Arba, only because you pushed into his Force field, but did he even know what he would find? That it would be you? You recognized him, you remember, only when he was standing in front of you though. The entire time he was there on the planet, you couldn’t pick him apart from anyone else. And you had _known **him.**_ You knew Ben, what he felt like. A pulsing glow in the furthest reaches of your mind, always so close but seemingly intangible. Yes, you knew Ben. There were fringes of the light around Kylo’s signature, but it wasn’t anything like Ben. He pulsed, but there was no glow in what quelled inside of him.

You don’t realize you’re unintentionally prodding at his mind, partially because you’re not even really in yours. Your mind and body separated into two and you only come back when you slam hard into Kylo’s back.

“Stop.” he probably doesn’t think you’ll notice the way his hands ball into fists in the desperate attempt to subdue his anger, but you do and you step back away from him. “Whatever you’re trying to do, stop.”

“I was just walking.” You argue, confused.

“ _Stop_.” Kylo repeats and continues walking. You hesitate.

What the fuck is he on about?

You find your place at his heels again, conscientious of every step this time. Your thoughts beg to wander, but you force yourself to focus on keeping up with Kylo Ren’s long strides down the corridor.

You don’t walk for long. Wherever you’re going, it’s not far, you think. The walls look the same as they did near the training room, less gloomy and dark, and shinier and more welcoming. It looks like everything is made out of durasteel with accents of chrome. There’s more doors here and you can only figure them to lead to other cells. At least you didn’t have an entire hall to yourself this time. Maybe you wouldn’t feel as lonely if you could hear a dozen other screaming for freedom.

Kylo stops before one of the doors. You walk around him, getting a good look at the door for yourself. It doesn’t look at heavy duty as the one from your other cell. Was he less afraid of you now? You don’t know whether to be grateful that you weren’t being contained like a rabid animal or if your pride was wounded that he looked down upon you so.

“Look at me.” Kylo commands and you tear your eyes from the door to look at his mask. “You will not leave this room. Do you understand?”

You wrap your arms around yourself as a band of Stormtroopers march by. You just want to go in there and go to sleep. “Yeah. I know how to be a prisoner.”

Kylo sighs, long and exasperated. “You are not my-“

You cut him off. “Not a prisoner, got it. Can you- “ You motion to the door.

You watch his back as he turns it to you, fingers punching into the keypad beside the blastdoor, and it draws upward, light spilling into the hall from the room.

It’s very much not a cell, you don’t need to walk through the whole place to tell you that. There’s two doors across from each other, and the front room that you can actually see looks. . .comfortable. A couch and a carpet. You assume the two doors lead into a bedroom and a bathroom. What the hell?

You take a step inside, feeling the warmth of the room combating the cold of the hall.

“Why?” You turn around abruptly, looking at Kylo. You don’t know what else to ask. Why was he doing this, anything for you? Part of you knew, but you aren’t letting the past influence you. Why was he?

“I thought you would appreciate a bed.” Kylo nods towards the door on your left.  “If you would prefer the cell you were in-“

You wave your hand dismissively. “Ok. Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate it.” You wonder if he ever got tired of threatening people. Of course you were sure most of them weren’t empty.

You turn to go into the bedroom, but Kylo speaks again and you sigh when you hear the modulated voice again.

“You’ll be ready to continue training at zero-five hundred. After training, you will come back here. You stay here unless I personally request your presence. Look at me.” you roll your eyes and look at him again. “Do you understand me? I will not hesitate to confine you to another cell.”

You nod your head. You would argue with him after you’ve slept proper and showered. You can’t even think of a snarky retort for him right now.

“I will see you tomorrow. Do not be late.”

.

. 

You drag your feet as you find your way back to the training room in the morning. You had no sense of direction, getting lost almost too easily. You don’t even remember what hall led where or how you’d even gotten from the training room to yours yesterday. You know you’ll get lost on your way back, but you don’t have time to worry about it now. You’re late.

You had stopped two Stormtroopers before, asking them where Kylo Ren’s training room was. One of them scoffed in your face while the other ignored you completely. Your

When you get to the training room, Kylo is sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, helmet beside him and his legs crossed over one another. It’s still dark outside and there’s no light on in the room. He looks ominous and daunting. His presence is formidable as you enter and silently kneeling in front of him. His eyes are closed. Oh. He’s _meditating_. You can’t even remember the last time you’ve ever tried. You can’t decide whether or not you want to risk interrupting him, so you sit back and wait.

“I told you not to be late.” Kylo tells you after a few minutes. His eyes open, dark and brooding as he watches you.

“I overslept-“ you stop yourself from instinctively apologizing to him, realizing that apologizing would be the last thing you’d want to do for him, “It was nice sleeping on a mattress instead of a sheet.”

Kylo’s jaw tightens. He’s edgier today, you realize. He’s more temperamental than he was yesterday night and that was probably because you’d been less mouthy, but you had woken up today with your bite back, and you were able to decipher that perhaps that wasn’t a good thing right now.

Kylo uncrosses his legs and rises to his feet.

“I need to find out where you are in your training,” Kylo turns his back to you, fingers working diligently as he pulls apart the clasp of his cowl around his neck, tossing it to the side, “where I need to begin with you. How much I will have to undo of what Luke taught you.”

“ _Undo_?” You ask, sitting back on your feet. You wipe the sweat on your hands onto your legs. You’re nervous.

“Luke told you lies about the Jedi.” Kylo looks at you over his shoulder before he takes a deep breath. “He told _us_ lies about the Jedi. We believed them. Many things were withheld from us. Too many to count and the greatest secrets of the galaxy were manipulated to their will and fed to us. Supreme Leader Snoke has helped me see the Jedi- see my _uncle_ for what he truly is.”

You stare at him, mouth agape. You realize how stupid you must look like this, so you snap it shut with a sharp clack of your teeth against each other. Luke would never lie to you, you know he wouldn’t. Luke was warm and kind when you had met him as a child. Your parents willed you to attend his Jedi Academy, and you did. Luke kept you safe, he taught you, practically _raised_ you. Luke wouldn’t have lied to you or any of his padawans. Especially not Ben.

The thoughts evoke such anger in you, it’s all displaced, and instead of silencing Kylo Ren like you would have done normally, it brings tears to the corners of your eyes. You don’t cry, no, but the tears sit there and remind you of how very human you are still.

“I was upset too, at first. I trusted him. Now, I know that the Jedi cannot be trusted.” Kylo continues. He turned fully to you, the light behind him making him look like a dark shadow as he walked toward you. He kneels on one knee in front you. His bare forefinger hooks underneath your chin and he lifts your head to look at him. _Ben._ “I’m glad you got away.”

Luke wouldn’t lie to you. You can’t find any way to defend him though. There are no witty remarks, no savage retorts, just disbelief as you look at Ben and remember how much you loved him. Luke wouldn’t lie to you, but Ben wouldn’t either.

“Snoke has pulled the veil of lies that Luke wove from over my eyes. I would not have subjected you to him if I did not believe he was helping restore peace to the galaxy. He wants to help-“ Kylo’s eyes search your face, “us.”

You look away from him, turning your head roughly away from his touch and grinding your teeth. You don’t believe him. You don’t believe him at all.

“In time.” Kylo whispers softly.

“You’re a fucking liar!” You snap. “A big fucking liar! The Jedi-“

“have only proven to be untrustworthy. Tell me, where has Master Luke been? It was his temple that was destroyed, his padawans that were struck down. Where was he?” Kylo looks at you expectantly.

You shake your head, “ _You_ did that.”

Kylo ignores your comment, pressing his own point. “Was he protecting you then? Luke Skywalker cares about no one but himself. That was evident in his actions at the Temple. He fled, and all he left was some part of a map. You would have never found your way back to him.”

“He would have died.” You pick at scraps to defend Luke, try to justify his actions, but still his reasons slid through your fingers. Why did he leave? Why didn’t he try to help?

“Protecting his disciples. What an awful way to go.” His sarcasm infuriates you, but it makes sense. You can’t even say he’s completely wrong. He swung the blade, but Luke should have been there. He should have been helping, protecting.

Kylo rises to his feet. “You know he should have been there. He should have died fighting to save his students, to protect what he built. He lives now within the safe confines of the Resistance walls and means to raise a new generation of Jedi.”

Your teeth dug as you tried to remember the Stormtrooper’s own memories. You had seen them but you didn’t retain them. It was all breezing and fluttering past your mind. _A new generation. . ._ He had seen something. About Luke. _A new generation. . ._ “The Scavenger.” You whisper as it dawns on you.

He was going to train the Scavenger. Of course.

You look up in time to catch Kylo glancing down at you in a brief moment of confusion and anger. He doesn’t know how you know, you realize. No one’s told you anything, no one was supposed to tell you anything, anyways. It leaves his face quickly though.

“He’s found the girl who did this to me.” His fingertips ghost over the scar that strays from his jaw to just above his left eyebrow. “I’m going to destroy them both.”

Why didn’t he look for you? You feel betrayed. You’re rationalizing for Kylo, maybe he thought you had been killed then and there, too, just as you thought he had been. But Luke. You were his students, his padawans, did he even look for you? Had he fled into hiding as soon as the Temple had been destroyed? You wandered the galaxy by yourself for _years_ , looking for the tiniest sign of hope. You chased every fleeting string of hope you could find until you willed yourself that you’d either end up dead in a hole on some alien planet or in pieces for sticking your nose where it didn’t belong. He probably didn’t even look, you realize. He sealed himself away, like a coward! He abandoned you!

Your hand covers your mouth as you take it in. The hope you had grasped flitted away from your hands all at once and left nothing but dust in its wake.

“See.” Kylo’s voice draws you back to reality. “The Jedi have only brought pain and destruction.”

_Of course. Pain and destruction._

Kylo extends his hand to you. “Stand up. Help me destroy them, for once and for all. To bring the peace the galaxy deserves.”

_I shouldn’t._

You take his hand and rise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what the next First Order base is gonna be like, so I just HC that it's similar to Starkiller but more technologically advanced. Kylo appreciates the cold. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! ;)


	6. You Know Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't even know him.

You don't know how to describe Kylo Ren without smearing the word angry across everything he'd ever done. Kylo is a complex array of things you had yet to figure out but he was nothing if he wasn't angry. He is the embodiment of pure, unbridled rage.

You want to know what made _him_ turn. You want to know what it was, what you could have done to help him, _why._ That was something you had been asking yourself so often lately. _Why?_

Kylo Ren’s words had invoked anger and feelings of betrayal inside of you, most of which had previously been directed at him, but now targeted at that bastard Luke Skywalker. You ate whatever you could find in the middle of the forest, slept shivering in the cold, and sobbed until your body couldn’t take it anymore and _he ran away._ You would have still been on Arbra, too, and you would have had nothing but rumors and tales of what was happening in the galaxy. You would have never known. You probably would have died there.

You thought you had decided you that would not fight for Kylo Ren, but you want answers. You want someone to tell you **_why_**. Why was any of this happening? Why didn’t Luke come back? Why did he run? **_Where_** he _go_? Did he even look for survivors? You wondered if there were other padawans that had gotten away, if they had found solace or lived in fear like you had? Kylo Ren would provide you answers, if not anything else.

“The Supreme Leader will want to speak with you.” Kylo’s voice draws you from your thoughts. You notice your hand is still intertwined with his. You retract, letting your hand fall at your side as you met Kylo’s eyes, dark brown shimmering almost hazel with the light of the sun breaking over the horizon. You ignore the way his fingers had twitched as you pulled away, as if he hadn’t wanted to let you go; as if he meant to hold you there. You do it for his sake, and maybe your own.

“I don’t want to speak with him alone.”

“You want me there.” You can’t tell if he had meant it as a question or a statement. Either way it was true, despite the bitterness of the thought. He could do damage control, should you say anything to deter this Supreme Leader. Last time you were in his chamber, you fainted. You imagined that might have already passed poorly on his judgement of you.

“When do we get to Skywalker?” You ask. “How long will it take?”

Kylo’s lips pull at one corner as he regards your sudden enthusiasm. “You’re eager.”

His pride must be swelling, you think. You grind your teeth together at the thought of how malleable you must seem to him, to look as if your loyalties are so easily swayed. “How long?” You repeat.

Kylo turns his back to you, facing the window. The light makes his hair look dark brown, highlights shimmering underneath the sun. It makes you think of another time, before this and somewhere far from here, but you’re pushing it back down as soon as it surfaces.

“Months, it would seem. Even years, should the Resistance prove to be more tactile than they were before. Now that Skywalker has their protection, he will be more difficult to get to- to _destroy_.” Kylo corrects himself stiffly. “The Supreme Leader and I expect that the time will be halved with our alliance. He has great faith in us.”

The Supreme Leader. How many times had he mentioned him to you? And yet, still when you closed your eyes, you saw nothing but a haunting figure looming over you. His Leader seems no more than a monster, but he trusts him so much. He would do anything that master asked of him, without question. You consider this thought for a moment.

“Does your Supreme Leader have a name? Or is he just this divine rightness?” You notice Kylo’s hesitance to answer your question, so you press, “I want to know what I’ve just got myself into.”

“There’s time.” He responds and you roll your eyes.

You want to argue with him, you’re going to because you’re tired of asking questions and receiving no response, but the blaster door behind you opens and your words are caught in your throat. You hesitate to tear your eyes away from Kylo’s figure. Glancing over your shoulder, you only get to catch a glimpse of orange hair as a figure passes you hurriedly, like you hadn’t even been there at all. Their shoulder grazes yours. You’re no more than thin air as they breeze by you.

It’s a man, slender-bodied and tall.  He stops just a few feet behind Kylo and clears his throat. His silence is commanding, you notice, and you’re paying more attention than you feel you should.

“General.” Kylo drawls. He doesn’t turn to face the other as he speaks. You can feel the tension between them as if it were your own.

“Ren.” The General greets with disdain. “The Supreme Leader has _demanded_ a meeting with you. He _orders_ that you bring the girl with you.”

Kylo rolls his shoulders, straightening and giving a slight nod in response to the General. You think it’s over after that, but the General turns to look over his shoulder at you, sneering. He turns on his heels and walks towards you. He stops when he’s toe to toe with you. His eyes look over you judgingly, head to toe. You’re uncomfortable. You think about shoving him the hell out of your face. You decided against it.

“The Supreme Leader also asks that you **_not_** let this one escape.” The General speaks to Kylo, but his eyes are piercing into yours. He expects you to cave underneath the demanding nature of his power. You set your face in a hard frown and match his stare.

“Even that should be a simple task for you, yes? _Commander Ren._ ” He says his name contemptuously. _He’s jeering at him._

The General smirks at you, as if he knows something you don’t, and he brushes past you yet again and disappears out the room. The only proof that he had even been there was the lingering tension and the hissing sound of the blaster door as it closed behind him. You look at Kylo. His shoulders are heaving as his fingers trace the hilt of his lightsaber hung at his waist. There’s a thickening silence hanging between you two. He speaks finally and you grit your teeth.

“You’ll return to your quarters.” It’s an order. He was no longer speaking to you as his equal, but as if you were a prisoner again. “You will remain there until I retrieve you shortly. You will be prepared to speak to the Supreme Leader.”

You feel foolish for wanting to ask him about your training. You hadn’t done a thing today. Despite the grating soreness of your muscles today, pushing yourself yesterday had felt good. Your fighting had been out of reluctance, in truth, but it felt nice to do something besides wallow in self-pity in a room by yourself.

Again, you don’t argue with him and you turn around with intent to leave, but he freezes you in place again, halting your movements with such immediate force that it almost hurts.

“ _Not by yourself._ ” He snaps harshly. He yells for a guard, the loudness of his voice reverberating through the training room like a crack of thunder. There’s a gentle hiss behind you.

A Stormtrooper hurries in, clutching his blaster so tightly to his chest, you think he might absorb it.

“You _know_ I don’t need to be watched.” The words come out of your mouth, but Kylo is talking over you, the vocoder spitting out words over you.

“-bring her back to her quarters. You will not take your eyes off of her for a second. If she attacks you, you’re to reprimand her-“ The commands come from his mouth with little emotion.

“ _Really?_ ” You hiss through your teeth. The Stormtrooper approaches you and latches his hand round your bicep, finger closing painfully over your sensitive muscles.

“Should you fail your duties, you will be terminated, by me, personally.” His sudden aggressive nature takes you by such shock, the second he releases you from his grip on you in the Force, you whip your head to look over your shoulder in outrage. The Stormtrooper jerks your arm and your whole body follows, tripping over your own feet as you reluctantly walk beside him.

“You’re a fucking piece of shit!” You spit at him furiously.

You yank your arm out of the Stormtroopers grasp. It hurts you, but your anger is enough to keep you from squealing like a damsel. He goes to grab you again, but you jerk out of his grasp again and walk. He pads behind you like a helpless dog. He tries to fall into place behind you, but you speed up. You can feel the anger in the tips of your fingers.

“Oh Maker.” The Stormtrooper sighs.

You catch the distinct sound of yelling from the direction you left. It’s loud and distorted and you can hear the crack of durasteel being split. You slow your pace, glancing back, but the doors to the training room are already closed. The Stormtrooper gives you a firm nudge in the back to get you moving again.

“You don’t want to get caught in his tantrums, let’s go, prisoner.”

.

.

Actually being conscious for longer than ten minutes, you had more time to explore the expanse of your “quarters”. There wasn’t much to it, no more than you needed. It was comfortable, an upgrade from sitting in a dank cell by yourself. Still, with the Stormtrooper standing beside your door, inside your quarters, it had felt more like a cell than the previous room had.

There was a couch in the front room, big enough for you to curl up on, but too small for you stretch your legs down all the way without hanging over the arm. It was black and _leather,_ of course. You were wondering the First Order was abundant in anything else, but so far you hadn’t seen anything else. Otherwise in the front room, there was a bookcase filled with books on the history on the rise and fall of the Empire, and recorded missions of the preeminent Darth Vader and the triumphs of Emperor Palpatine. You glanced at the covers and shoved them back in their places. The other books were propaganda against the Resistance and the New Republic. You didn’t read those either, and instead traced your fingers over the wording of the imprinted titles on the cover, and put them back respectively.

The next room you had investigated was your bedroom. You hadn’t seen much of it last night, fumbling around in the dark to shed your clothing and sleep on an actual mattress for the first time in Maker knows how long. The bed was big enough for you to roll around in, spread yourself out to your hearts content. Black sheets adorned the black blankets, which blended nicely with the black pillows. They really weren’t ones for colors, huh? The walls had followed the same eerily chrome build like the ones outside. The floor stuck out the most to you though, because while everything around you screamed ‘military base’, there was the plush feeling of soft, thick carpet between your toes while you walked to your bed. This room probably belonged to someone important before, you thought. There was nothing more to this room than the bed and dresser, with a large framed First Order symbol above it.

You dragged the pillow and the heavy comforter from the bed to the floor and informed the Stormtrooper blocking your only exit that you were resting until Kylo Ren came for you. You tangled yourself in the blanket and curled into a ball. Sleeping on a mattress was nice, a luxury you were not used to, but it felt foreign, like you were changing too much too fast. You rested your head against the pillow and gripped the tendrils of the carpet with your fingers as you fell asleep.

Your anger dissipated shortly after you were away from Kylo Ren, subsiding into something closer to hostility. You were upset, he had made you feel a little more valuable just in the duration of one conversation, but showed you the same cruelty he had earlier. You had shamed yourself for expecting more of him.

It was back full throttle upon opening your eyes to see his figuring crouching in front you, his mask tilting downward while he watches you. You cover your face with your arm and roll to face opposite of him.

“You’re a fucking creep.” You say once your settled.

“The bed is for you to sleep on.” Kylo informs you.

You snort, “Thank you, I would have never figured that out without you.”

“Then why are you on the floor?” You might have thought he actually sounded like he cared, but the distortion of his voice gave you way to think that you’re still tired and hearing things.

You don’t answer him. You sit up, rub your thumbs underneath your eyes as if to rub away the lingering fatigue. Kylo returns to his full height and takes a step away from you.

“How long were you just sitting there watching me?” You untangle your legs from the blanket, unweaving it from around your legs as you speak.

“I woke you.” His voice is uninterested as he spoke, like you should have figured that. It doesn’t help the anger swelling in your chest in his presence.

“Thanks for that.” You rise to your feet, bones cracking as you stretch. You toss the blanket haphazardly on to your bed and do the same with the pillow. Kylo is standing by your door like a stone statue, mask facing towards you.

You lazily comb your fingers through your hair and motion for the door, ready to just get this over with. There’s a gut-wrenching feeling pooling in your stomach as Kylo begins leaving your room, briskly walking through the front room and into the hall. You’re not exactly poster child for the Light Side of the Force, but becoming a puppet of the First Order doesn’t sit well in your head. You’re angry, and you know where that leads you. Master Luke was very vague in his descriptions of the Sith, telling you too little to ever be curious. Now, you can’t be anything but. The Sith were bad, but that was all you were told. _Why?_ Kylo’s Supreme Leader had to be a Sith, and maybe that meant Kylo intended to be one as well.

Your hands ball into fists as you feel curiosity prodding at your mind now, almost unbearable to ignore. You had felt that over the past week, all you had done was ask questions that were always left unanswered. _Maybe you should stop asking_ , a bitter part of your mind tells you.

You stop in front of familiar chamber, distancing yourself behind Kylo as he walks in without hesitation. It welcomes him and he disappears into the dimly lit room. You, on the other hand, were practically on your toes as you walk along the catwalk. The looming hologram of the Supreme Leader appears after you hear the blaster doors behind you shut with a loud wheezing noise. Somehow the image called on the fear in you that felt too familiar. You lift your chin, trying to walk a little straighter. You slow to a stop behind Kylo, at the bottom of the few stairs that led to a platform. Maybe you could disappear into his shadow and the Supreme Leader would forget your presence entirely.

“You cannot hide from me.” The Supreme Leader spits out, leaning out from the hologram of his chair. “Come out of the shadows, girl.”

Your head dips as you go to stand beside Kylo, who doesn’t even acknowledge your presence with any more than a bare tilt of his helmet. Otherwise, the Supreme Leader has consumed his attention whole.

He leans back in his chair, tapping his bony finger against the arm as he considers the two of you. Kylo removes his helmet and holds it underneath one arm.

Kylo looks up at the hologram, vulnerability strewn across his face as he speaks. “The girl you requested.”

Your teeth find a home digging into your bottom lip. _An object_ , you think _, he speaks like I am an object._

“Yes.” The Supreme Leader hisses. “The girl whom you begged not be killed. I’ve kept her alive for this long, what has she done to progress the First Order? Still, the Resistance triumphs throughout the galaxy.”

Kylo clears his throat. You know the argument is fresh on his lips, but he suffers the blow still. You don’t look at him.

“Supreme Leader-“

“Silence!” The Supreme shouts, diminishing Kylo’s response before it had even left his lips. “You have disappointed me once. You will not be given a second opporunity. _What is her purpose?_ ” He demands.

“S-Supreme Leader,” Kylo begins again, hesitant if he should continue. A shiver rolls down your spine when you hear him stutter. “Skywalker and the Scavenger have found each other and now cower under the protection of the Republic. If I can train her, she can even out the ties on the battlefield.”

The Supreme Leader leans back in his chair and his dark, sullen eyes find you. “You were found on Arbra, trying to attack the same man that stands beside you. Do you know anything about Arbra?”

You bite back the witty response on your lips for one that favored keeping you alive. “It is a planet that supports the Republic, sir. During the reign of the Empire, and even so today with the New Republic.” You say, despite the urge to shudder away. Looking directly into the eyes of the hologram instilled a fear inside you that you couldn’t shake. “A treacherous planet.”

“Treacherous to whom?” He questions, dragging out the last word. He wanted you to say something wrong.

“The First Order.”

You don’t hesitate. You don’t even believe yourself when you hear the words leave your mouth, but it’s enough for him, and he sits back with a satisfied smile pulling at his sunken cheeks. You let out a deep breath through your nose, trying not to faint from relief.

“I see you are not completely ignorant.” You nod once in thanks, afraid to speak again. You’re already treading thin ice.

“He believed you are capable of assisting him in the destruction of the Last Jedi and his apprentice, as well as the treacherous New Republic and Resistance. Do you feel no shame in being so easily deflected to the First Order?” Confusion ripples through you, but the Supreme Leader crushes it. “Were you not an apprentice of Luke Skywalker?”

Your jaw tightens. “Once.” You say, voice level and body entirely stiff to the core. You’re scared to even breathe. “Not anymore.”

He nods. “Of course. Kylo Ren has sworn to train you as _his_ apprentice now.” The Supreme Leader turns his attention to Kylo, who is shaking at your side. If the Supreme Leader notices, he doesn’t say anything about it. “A final time, Kylo Ren.”

_He didn’t believe you._

That’s all the hologram says before it diminishes and you’re both left standing in the chamber in deafening silence. You don’t know what to do.

You look to your side, only catching a faint glimpse of Kylo as he disappears in a mass of black. You spin on your heels and rush after him.

“Hey!” You yell. You step in front of him, pushing down the hand he raised towards you. “Hey- hey, you need to talk to me.” It takes both of your hands to push his hand back down when it tries to come up again.

“Release me.” Kylo says, dark eyes boring into you.

You stand your ground. “No.”

He roughly jerks his arm from your grasp and goes to move past you, but you step in his way. He’s going to use the Force to move you, you don’t need to be psychic to tell that. His sudden coldness was only making you worry more. He was angry at you.

He doesn’t move around you though, which makes you think he’s going to hear you speak.

“The-“ He goes to move around you the second you open your mouth, and you use both hands to shove him back. “Fuck you, listen to me! He didn’t believe me. He thinks I still fight for Skywalker.”

“Did expect me to defend you?” Kylo grinds his teeth as he edges closer to you. He wasn’t as half as intimidating without the mask.

“After _begging_ for my life, maybe.” You take a deep breath. “It’s not gonna’ be the same, you know that, right? I don’t know why you brought me here.”

“ _What?_ ” The words wrenched between his teeth.

“I don’t love you. I don’t _know_ you.” You shake your head. “I don’t know what you thought was going to happen.”

Kylo takes a step toward you, which in turn, you take one back. He’s baring his teeth like a wild animal and one of his hands reach out and grip the back of your neck, pulling your body towards him. You’re expecting to see the infamous Kylo Ren, the one who destroyed entire solar systems and slayed many by his own hand. The Kylo Ren you expected when you saw him in your doorway on Arbra. Your eyes drift shut. You can imagine the dull hum of his lightsaber as it splits into you.

Instead, you feel the warmth of his lips, familiar and distinct at the same time, on yours. You freeze, you don’t know what to do. Your head is fuzzy and his scent is clouding your nose. Your anger is dissipating into awe of the familiarity of him, the way he feels the same way he did the last time you kissed him. Lips bitten raw demanding your full attention.

You want to kiss him back.

You loathe yourself for it, but it doesn’t stop you. Slowly, moving in tandem with him, only for a second, before he pulls away. You follow him as his lips disappear from yours. You want more. It had been so _long._

You’re close enough to fist your hands in his robes. His hand is still on the back of your neck as he lowers his mouth just above your ear.

“ _You know me._ ”

His hand- _his warmth_ is gone and you’re left standing with your hands hanging stupidly in the air as you listen to the blaster door whoosh open and close behind you.

You’re alone in the Supreme Leader’s chamber.

And you just kissed Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening finally. I just really wanted to get things in motion. I'm a little iffy about this chapter bc I took so long writing and rewriting it but there it is.


	7. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You make progress in an unexpected place. Things are happening all around you, but it's going to be okay.

A Stormtrooper is waiting outside of the Supreme Leader’s chamber when you finally exit. He’s already berating you in his mind for making him wait for you, throwing explicates at you in his mind, but you don’t say anything to him. You march forward to your room and nearly shut the blast door on top of him when he tries to come in.

“You can very well guard the _only_ exit from the outside.” You tell him.

“Commander Ren said-“ He tries to argue with you, but your thumbing over the button to close the door. If he doesn’t move, it’ll crush him to death, or break his neck, at the very least. He steps back and you can feel him seething at you, hating you for risking his hide for the sake of your privacy. _Selfish bitch._

You strip out of your clothes and slide underneath the hot spray of the shower. It’s too hot, but you welcome it compared to how cold everything on this god-forsaken base is. You’re pushing your kiss with Kylo Ren to the very back of your head while you try to lave your skin with soap. _It was a trick,_ you’re telling yourself, _a mind game._ You try not to think about how warm he was.

The second you slip from the shower, you wrap a towel around yourself and drag your feet to your bedroom and collapse on top of the messily piled blanket and pillows. You’re still wet, and that means the blanket is now too, but you still crawl underneath it and pull it up to your chin. You want to sleep.

But you can’t.

You lay there with your eyes closed, willing yourself to just go to sleep. _You can’t stop thinking about him_. It doesn’t change anything. It didn’t mean anything. You’re trying your damnedest to distinct Ben Solo from Kylo Ren, to preserve that heroic image of him you carried with you, but. . .everything about his kiss screamed familiarity to you. Body language, the way his lips moved, the way he pulled you to him. He knew you wouldn’t pull away from him. You didn’t. You didn’t even want to. What the hell were you doing?

You didn’t want those memories of Ben. You wanted the memories from your Academy – the feather light kisses in the dark, the warmth and content of just being able to hold each other – you wanted to keep those safe. Away. You kept them to yourself for so long, and now, they surfaced and blended with the nights after the Academy. The suffering, the sadness, the misery of being _alone_. You _hated_ Kylo Ren.

Hated.

Your hands come up to cover your face and push your wet hair off of your skin. The view from the window tells you it’s late and you’d be an idiot to try to go anywhere. It doesn’t help you that you’re already pushing the wet towel off of your body and scrambling through the dresser. It’s all black pants and shirts, which you throw on carelessly and make way for the blast door.

When it pulls open, you don’t give the Stormtrooper a chance before you’re pulling him in your room and wiping him unconscious with the Force. It’s not as difficult this time and you shut the blast door before you’re stalking down the corridor, following the hint of a shimmering light in the back of your head.

.

.

The Force has not always been kind to you. As soothing as it could be, using it was taxing on mind and body and using said Force to pry open the doors to Kylo Ren’s quarters, had shown you how taxing it could really be. You could feel his signature in the Force pulsing behind the doors though, so when the blast door finally snaps upward, you gasp. You’re momentarily frozen to the ground in shock that _you_ got into the Commander of the First Order’s room, but you can hear the march of Stormtroopers coming down the hall, so you’re scurrying in and shutting it behind you with a quarter of the effort it took to open it.

You can still feel him here. It’s dark though and you can’t see a thing. You settle for helplessly groping your way across his furniture, until there is no more furniture and you’re trailing your fingers along the wall. You turn, into a doorway and press your fingers against it until light seeps into the hall. You should’ve knocked, you think, but since you’re already breaking and entering, knocking should be the least of your worries.

Kylo is dressed in his full armor aside from the helmet, sitting at the edge of his bed lost in thought. He doesn’t seem surprised when you peek your head in and come from around the wall. You feel like an idiot, wondering why the hell you came here. His signature is glowing though, now that you’re closer to it.

“You should get a stronger door.” You say, breaking the tense silence. “Being, you know, Commander of the First Order and all.”

He barely glances at you as he cracks his knuckles and leans forward, elbows on his knees. You hate yourself for worrying about him. You wonder if he’s even going to speak back to you. You’re an idiot, you shouldn’t have even come here. It meant nothing and here you are, breaking into his room like a freak and you can’t even begin to imagine how stupid you look. Desperate. Miserable-

“You used to be very talented.” Is all he says. His head turns so he can look at you. The light on his nightstand makes him look like a shadow once he blocks it with his head.

“That was years ago. I’m rusted.” You shake your head at the notion that he actually brought up something from your past. It makes you giddy, but you’re quelling it quickly before you let it get out of control. He doesn’t say anything in response to that and instead turns his head away to look down at his lap. It’s silent again. He hasn’t kicked you out yet.

“Why are you here?” He asks, eyes intently focusing on his lap as he speaks.

“I felt like I needed to talk to you.” It breaks from your lips like a whisper. You add, “After earlier.” And damn yourself for it because what else would you break into his room to talk to him about. You feel like smitten teenager again. “I’m sorry.”

Kylo grinds his teeth together and shakes his head. “I was being foolish. You don't owe me an apology.”

“I know I don't. You just- you get it though, right?” You take a step further into his room, hearing the soft sound his door shutting behind you. You want him to understand, for some reason. It wasn’t that you didn’t love him, to start anyways, but everything changed. He did what he did and he _left_ you. You couldn’t have possibly forgiven him for that. Especially after the. . .atrocities committed by the First Order. He had a hand in all of that. The destruction of the Hosnian System, the torture of Resistance members, slaughtering anyone he deemed treacherous. You can’t erase it but you can’t pretend like it wasn’t him.

“To a degree. I lack the same. . . _mentality_ that you have looking into this situation.” His eyes finally find you as he says this. You frown at in return.

“Oh, fuck you.” There’s no really anger behind your words. Kylo turns his head away from you sharply. You step a few more steps forward until you’re standing at the foot of his bed.

“You said you _loved_ me, that you would have done _anything_ for me.” He spits the words from his lips out of pure frustration. You flinch when you realize he’s actually _angry_ at you.

“Hey, don’t make me the bad guy, Kylo. I would have, a long time ago.” You kneel on his bed beside him, trying to rouse him to look at you again, but he won’t. You wonder when he started trying to shut you out too. “You’re putting me in a box, you know. You have to understand that at least, right? I mean, I’m not slitting anyone’s throats to try to get out of here. I stayed – I’m staying, and I know it’s not because I want to. I would have rather gone and found Luke Skywalker by myself if it meant I could get off of this ice rock, but I’m here. I’m here, Kylo.” You want to reach out for his hand. You don’t and keep your distance as much as you can, for what it’s worth to him. You sit beside him, hoping at least he heard part of what you were trying to convey to him. “I could do it if I wanted to. You know I’m capable.”

“Do you want to leave? Do you want to go back to Arbra?” Why won’t he just look at you? He _sounds_ distressed, but you can’t read a single thing from him.

What was waiting for you on Arbra? Starvation, inevitably. A shack you called home for some time, and probably a bounty somewhere for your head. Nothing is there for you, you know that, the same way there was nothing there for you when you first went there. You don’t know if you want to stay here though.

“I don’t know.” You say at length. You want to say more but the words are dead on your lips.

“You don’t want to stay.” He’s as observant as ever, but you didn’t think he’d have to be a genius to figure that one out. His voice is soft though as he speaks as if he doesn’t want to frighten you any more than you had been.

“I don’t want to go, either.” One foot in your mouth already, you decide to go for two, letting the words come from your lips without a second thought. “I missed you, you know. I thought you were dead.”

He tenses, visibly, and his hands ball into a fists. You think he’s going to tell you to get out now. Why do you always expect the worst from him?

He doesn’t, thankfully and just lets out a deep sigh. “You’ve told me such before.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you were really listening.” You wished you’d stop talking. “I thought about you every night.”

“You were tormenting yourself.” Kylo responds, but his voice quivers a bit when he speaks.

“I’m always tormenting myself. I just. . .I wanted to see you again.” You’re not going to cry in front of him again. Hot tears are stinging at the corners of your eyes, but you’re quickly blinking them away. “I just thought-. . .” You shake your head. There’s too many tears to blink away now and you can feel them starting to slide down your cheeks, along with the growing lump in your throat. “I thought you died _alone._ Scared. I kept thinking the worst happened to you. I couldn’t find you, I looked everywhere but I couldn’t-“ You choke up, dragging your hand over your face to try to ground yourself. “I was too scared to go back. To see. I-“

"Stop crying." Kylo whispers, his voice barely stopping you.

His hand ghosts over your thigh. You barely catch a glimpse of his pale skin as he does this, but your hand finds his, out of instinct, and intertwine with each other. He doesn’t pull away from you and you squeeze it lightly as your try to will yourself to calm down.

Thinking about him like that scares you, even now. You want to hate him so bad, for what he did, but you can feel the relief of just being able to sit next to him and feel his warm hand in yours again, after _so_ long. You feel like a fool for coming to his room and spilling your guts, but as the pounding in your ears begins to lighten, you feel like weight was pulled from your shoulders. He’s here. You don’t want to lose him again. You’re a fool.

Kylo’s hand leaves yours and you look at him, wondering if you’ve overstayed your welcome. His arm wraps around you, pulling your body to him, and he pulls you against his chest wordlessly. Your back is hunched and the position is a little uncomfortable, but your head is against his chest and you can faintly hear the beat of his heart. His chin rests atop your head while both of his arms hug you to him. You start to cry again, grateful to just be in his arms again. You don’t expect him to say anything to you, you know he was never good with dealing with emotions, but the physical affection was enough to subdue the ugly sobbing you had been reduced to. You wanted this so badly.

“I looked for you, too.” He says finally. You can feel his voice reverberate through his chest as he speaks. “I gave specific instructions. I knew what I had to do. . .what the Snoke expected of me. He told me every last one of them had to be slain, but I told my Knights should they harm you, I’d tear them open myself and see that they watched.” He snarls the last words, but his growing anger doesn’t stop him as he continues. “I tore apart half of the galaxy looking for you. The Knights swore not one of them saw you, so I thought you made it away. I thought you were safe. But, I couldn’t find you either.” Kylo’s hand finds your hair as his fingers massage your scalp, just like he used to do all that time ago. Your eyes droop shut and a soft sigh leaves your lips as you feel a little less tense.

“I thought you’d gotten yourself killed elsewhere.” Kylo continues, his voice close to a whisper. “I imagined you’d talked yourself right into your grave somewhere.”

You nuzzle your face into the warmth of his chest, feeling your tiredness get the best of you as you try to get comfortable in his arms.

“I want to protect you.”

You nod into his chest. You hear him. Your hands fist tight into his armor as he going to move from underneath you. You think he’s going to make you get up, or he’s going to leave. He stands, cradling you in his arms as he walks to the other side of his bed and sets you down atop his covers. He pulls your shoes off your feet and places them by the bed. Your body is lifted as he pulls the comforter of his bed from underneath you and places you back down so he can pull it over you. It’s warm and heavy and you’re feeling ever more tired than you were before. You don’t want to fall asleep yet.

Kylo crouches in front of you, pushing your hair away from your face. You tiredly try to reach out your hand to touch his face, but he catches it in his and brings your knuckles to his lips.

_Maker._

It’s only for a second or two, but you can feel him. He opens himself up to you in the Force, like pulling back a dam over his emotions and it’s flooding you.  He’s overwhelming you. He’s content with you. There’s that warmth in him that’s wrapping itself around you and consuming you whole. He’s _happy_ , you realize. It’s contagious, even after he shuts himself back off from you.

He wasn’t good with words. You don’t need him to tell you what you do to him, you _felt_ it. A goofy, tired smile traces over your lips as you try to keep your eyes open for him, just so you could lose yourself in those dark eyes again.

Kylo gets up though, but he leans over and presses a kiss to your forehead. There’s that warmth again, but it’s his skin against yours this time.

“Get some rest.”

You love him.

.

.

You wake up alone, panicking as you look around the new setting. You were barely used to the room assigned to you as it was and here you were in a completely new one. Memories of last night come flooding back to you as you sit up. Your fingers tangle in the knots of your hair as you comb through it. The other side of the bed looked virtually untouched. He probably didn’t even sleep in here- or at all, for that matter. You’re grateful for that at least.

You shouldn’t be here when he comes back, you realize. You didn’t know if that emotional outbreak would upstand long enough to see the morning light, so you made your half of his bed, pulled on your shoes and headed for the door before he came back.

You were still combing out tangles in your hair when that general from yesterday caught you walking down the corridor, half of the way back to your quarters. He stopped you with a hand outstretched in your direction and blocked your path. His face twisted up in a sneer as her eyed you for a moment. He was a prim and polished and you were sure you had looked as if you had crawled out of a hole in the ground. You just wanted to go back to your room and meditate on the turmoil that was your life. There was no hope of that with the General in your way.

“Good morning. . .” Your voice trails off as you figure how to address him. “Sir.” You tack on cautiously.

His face remains the same and you figure it would have done the same no matter what came out of your mouth. His lips pull at the corners in amusement after a short moment though. “Morning has long since passed, prisoner. Where do you believe you’re going without an escort?”

Oh, you were still prisoner to him. Right. You lick your lips, fumbling through your thoughts for something believable. You had an itch that you fell asleep in the Commander’s room would land you back in the Supreme Leader’s chamber, or with his own fist closed around your throat.

“I was looking for-for-“ You motion with your hands unsure of what exactly you were supposed to call him. You can’t imagine Ben or Kylo would be relatively close to what the General expected you to say right now. “Kylo Ren.” You settle. “He was supposed to train with me this morning but he was not there. I was checking his quarters.” You lie, biting the inside of your cheek.

“Had you fallen asleep looking for him? You look quite disheveled.” The General smirks at you.

“I am a prisoner, sir.” You say quickly, watching the way his smirk nearly dissipated. You had a point.

He was quickly back though, steering the conversation in a different direction. “If it should be any concern of yours, Commander Ren is working, as expected of a man of his title. He would not appreciate you roaming the corridors alone since you are his prisoner.” The General clears his throat. “RL-2351, escort this prisoner back to her cell and ensure that she stays there until your Commander comes for her. Would not want for her to-“

“General Hux.” The sharp, metallic voice comes from behind you. You try not to sigh in relief when you turn to look at the dark figure briskly making his way down the corridor. You’d never thought you’d be so glad to see Kylo Ren.

“Commander Ren. Your prisoner has escaped, yet again.” General Hux breaks his crushing gaze from you and you can finally breath evenly. The two men are glaring through each other. You’re dumbly caught in the middle, trying to ease your way into Kylo’s shadow, but General Hux makes quick work of you, blue eyes piercing through you again. He speaks to Kylo, yet again, but he holds your gaze.

“Ren, I do trust you’re watching over her keenly, yes? I believe we’ve already spoken about this?” General Hux looks away from you to stare into the empty visor of Kylo Ren’s mask. Most would be intimidated -hell, even you were but the General stares at him without fear. “Hm?”

“I have her now. You may return to your duties.” Kylo Ren dismisses him with a wave and he turns sharply.  He’s ushering you to move without asking, hand pressing firmly into the center of your back to turn you around. When you don’t move, stuck in your stand-off with the General, his movements become a little more aggressive until you stumble and turn around angrily. What the fuck was his problem? Both of them. They’re like little kids, and you don’t even know that slick-haired prick but he already has an eye out for you.

You’re stomping almost as heavy as Kylo is. He directs you in a new path to your room silently.

“He’s a dick.” You say once you’re out of earshot. It comes out meekly as whisper though because you’re afraid that man has ears everywhere around here.

Kylo gives you no response and you slunk away behind him. He might be angry at you, you think, but there was no way you would have thought that General was going to approach you. You couldn’t have stayed in his room all day. Kylo stops in front of your door, not even using the keypad to open it, but instead chooses to use the Force to reveal your quarters to you again. You go inside without question. Kylo Ren follows behind you. You can only think it means trouble, or maybe he wanted to stop shutting you out for two seconds. You’re anxious to see the answer as he removes his helmet, letting it clatter against the floor as the blast door whirs shut behind him.

“A resistance X-wing was shot down this morning. The Starfighter was destroyed upon impact but the body of the pilot cannot be found. _Look_ at me.” He’s clearly riding on the edge of his sanity right now, so you comply, wary of how close you should be to him. You want to reach out, but you don’t know what that’ll do to him.

“I’m unable single him out here on the base. All of the specialists underneath General Hux cannot decrypt a single message between the Republic and the Resistance.” Kylo hisses and his face twists into something short of a snarl and that’s when you decide to reach out to him, crossing to him timidly as you press yourself meekly against his chest, arms looping around his torso. A single arm of his wraps around you as his other comes to wipe across his mouth. He’s calming now, rage diminishing when you touch him.

 “I don’t know what his intentions are. Our defensive shields were ripped down and the entire base was destroyed the last time a single ship came through our defense.”

“That must have been the great battle in the sky I kept hearing about.” You whisper to yourself, but you know Kylo is listening. Your words are muffled against his chest. Being with him feels so natural already. You pull away from him, looking at his face. He’s already looking at you when you meet his eyes.

“What are you thinking?” He asks you after a moment.

 _I shouldn’t be here._ You don’t think to say that though. You don’t want him upset again. It’s a fleeting thought with too much weight. You don’t know why you’re not still watching the clock and waiting for a window to crawl through a vent just to get out of here; off of this frozen hell. You’re kicking yourself in the head for caving into him so easily. You just want to be with him, in his arms. You know what he wants you to do. He wants you to fight, betray your former Master, and be loyal to him only. Luke Skywalker’s name is still bitter on your tongue but you’re not sure if it means he deserves to die.

And there was a horrible, monster of a man buried underneath what Kylo had shown you recently. That man is terrible and unforgiving, he’s done awful things, and the more you find yourself ridiculing his atrocities, the more you hate your position. You shouldn’t be conflicted. It shouldn’t even be a question. You knew his atrocities first hand, why were you letting him off?

“I don’t know.” You shake your head. “I don’t- Let’s. . .just not open up that can of worms, yeah?” You pat his chest as you maneuver out of his hold, which has Kylo wrapping a gloved hand around your wrist before you get out of reach.

“You were fine a moment ago.” He tells you. “Did I upset you?”

You sigh. “No. I just-“

“You’re evading.”

You pull your wrist from his hand, frowning at him. “I’m not evading, Kylo. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. I can’t-I’m not. . .” You squeeze your eyes shut in an attempt to block out all of the thoughts racing through your mind. You hope to not let one of them spill over. “I don’t know if I want to be close with you again. I mean-I know I do, I know I care about you and that it’s. . .you’re still you, okay. I don’t know if I want to be with you again and have you just, you know,” You gesture emptily towards the door. “leave.” You mutter after finding your words again. “And, I still need answers.”

“ _What_ answers?” He bares his teeth at you and you find yourself equally as angry that he even had the nerve.

“Answers about maybe why you killed a bunch of kids- kids we knew. Our friends? Why are you here? What the fuck is the First Order going to do for you? You’re dragging me into this, putting me in the crossfire _again_.” He takes a step back away from you when you step forward. You hurt him.

Your hands drag down your face and you rub your eyes. “I’m sorry, Kylo but this isn’t entirely fair.”

He turns his head.

“If you were anyone else, I would have killed you-“

“Refreshing.” You mumble.

“-but I won’t. I will give you the answers you want, but you will not get them all now.” He adds, dark eyes glaring at you.

“But I’ll get them. Right?”

“I am a man of my word.” His voice is still scary low. You nod your head understandingly, shuffling back into his embrace. His arms hesitate this time before they wrap around you this time. You hug him anyways.

“Thank you. That’s all I wanted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is a thing. I think I really just wanted an excuse to write some intense fluff as well as a big, emotional Kylo. I tried to slide in some plot outside of you and Kylo. Life goes on, right? He's still in the middle of a war. Everyone's on edge. ANYWAYS, next ch you might get some answers you've been searching for, as well as a guess at your, er, bedroom door. :) Bye!  
> P.S. I'm piece of shit and didn't have the energy to edit this, so it'll be edited in the morning. x


	8. Terrible Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama! Romance! Bloodshed!

“One.”

You shake your head. You want more. He says you can ask him one question a day until you have all your precious answers, but you don’t want them spaced out, you wanted to take them all right now and be done with. Kylo holds his stoic expression, firmly asserting that you’d get no more than the bare minimum. You sigh.

“Only one? And then tomorrow I get to ask another?” You meet his eyes as he twirls his practice lightsaber in his hands. It’s not made of anything special, just solid wood, but he still wields it as good as does with his own lightsaber.

Kylo rushes towards you, moving like predator and you’re immediately raising your wooden lightsaber to deflect the blow of the wooden beam of his. The force reels you back a few steps as you try to push off his strength. You can see the wood splintering from the impact. He retracts, swinging at you from the left, but you catch him there too, blocking and shoving him away. He comes for you a third time, swinging at you erratically. You don’t have time to think, you won’t have time to think in a real battle either. He’s not consistent, swinging left, right, overhead, anywhere he can get you. You try to deflect as many as you can, but he’s ruthless. The sound of wood cracking against each other fills the room until he crosses beams with yours. “You can ask me two if you can get me on the ground.”

You shove him away. It takes so much force you have to spin around and the second you realize your back is to him, you whip around again and meet crushing blow of his beam that would have been against the back of your head. You try to imagine that he would have stopped himself if you didn’t turn around in time. The wood on your beam splinters a little bit more and you fear it’ll crack in half if he keeps hitting you with such force. He pulls back again and steps back, waiting for you. His jaw sets and his eyes are egging you on. _You have to attack him._

He expects you to come for him though. Should you? You debate making him have to come after you again or running right into his trap. He makes the decision for you.

Kylo lunges towards you again; a smart man would have recoiled at such a devastating force coming for them, but you take the blows head on again. You fight him off, despite the pounding in your ears from the intense physical exertion. You can’t imagine how he fights for _hours_.

The very second you see a window open for you to attack, you lunge forward, a harsh grunt leaving your parted lips as you lifted your beam above your head and strike him overhead. He doesn’t give you the time of day. His beam is horizontal over him, protecting him from your attempt. You can hear the crack of wood as they meet in the air. Kylo watches you as he faces the impact with one hand hold his beam. It seems to do virtually nothing to him as he lets your pride wash away. You thought you had him.

“If you underestimate your enemy,” Kylo pushes you away, sending you stumbling for a few steps. “they will kill you.”

You’re too cocky, winding yourself back up at the familiar feeling of holding something akin to a lightsaber in your hand. It feels natural. “That how you got that scar?”

The corner of his mouth twitches in annoyance. “What a waste of a question.”

You let out an irritated sigh. “That wasn’t my question.”

“You get one. You asked one.” Kylo twirls the hilt of his practice ‘saber in his hand, watching it carefully as it whirled in his grasp. His eyes met yours again. He began to circle around you. “The Scavenger gave it to me. A gift. I underestimated her and she taught me to never underestimate anyone again.” Kylo growls through his teeth.

“Was that when Starkiller blew up?” You try to pull more from him.

He chuckles, something halfway between disbelief and agitation. He’s behind you and had he not spoken, you wouldn’t have known-

“You only get one.”

-that he was going to attack.

The slight rise in the pitch of his voice gave you enough to believe that he was lifting his practice ‘saber and about to get you unaware. You dodge, scurrying out of the way like a pup with its tail between its legs. You think he’s satisfied enough that you were able to dodge him, but he whips around and there’s something feral about him and you have your ‘saber up in a second, preparing yourself.

Nothing could prepare you for the impact of clashing with him though. The first time his wooden beam hits yours, it’s flies out of your hands this time and Kylo seizes the opportunity to shove you back with enough force to knock you right on your ass. It doesn’t stop you from trying to reach over to your practice weapon though, but Kylo kicks it from your grasp. The beam of his weapon is at the tip of your nose.

“Your grasp is weak. If I were actually trying to kill you, I could have knocked you weapon out of your hands the first time.” he’s boasting himself. “You need to focus on your stance, on what you’re doing, as well as what your enemy is doing.” He abandons his weapon, letting it clatter to the ground, and reaches out his arm to you. You grasp his forearm, pulling yourself up. You’re annoyed by your defeat, but the tingling ache in your muscles in letting you know at least you were making progress.

“Look for your enemy’s weak points. You need to pay attention to your own as well. You’re weak at attacking, but you’re adequate at defending.” Kylo shakes his head and sucks his teeth. “Improving your attack stance is priority, in both combat and lightsaber training.”

“Are we going to do anything with the Force?” You question curiously, pushing wet, sweaty hair off of your cheeks. The sun’s starting to go down outside.

If not for the faint blush of his cheeks from the exercise, you would have thought he died on the spot. His face paled over and his eyes set hard on you. “The Supreme Leader-“

“Oh, here we fucking go.” You turn away from him and clap your hands on your thighs. You hunch over. “Does he think I’m capable of anything?”

“Do not doubt him. He’s trained many; he’s trained _me_. He would train you, too, if he weren’t busy organizing the destruction of the Republic!” Kylo yells. His voice ricochets off the walls and you barely turn your head to glance over your shoulder at him.

Three nights ago, he all but told you that he still loved you, and here you were _arguing_ over some creature in the galaxy. You wondered distinctly why your distaste for the Supreme Leader worked him up so much. That would be something you’d have to save for another day though.

“So, when does he think I’ll be able to?” You wipe the sweat from your forehead and turn around to face him. Kylo is standing there with his arms crossed, hair sticking to his cheeks and actually pouting at you.

“Weeks, possibly. Months. He wants you to complete your physical training first, and by then I will be done with my Force training and I will be able to teach you.” Kylo uncrosses his arms and looks at you, dark eyes scanning over you for a second.

You push your brief admiration of him to the back of your mind. “You haven’t finished your training?”

 “No but soon, I will be. The Supreme Leader predicts that I won’t have enough time to teach you to the extent he taught me. You may not learn some things as I have. We don’t have time.” Kylo sighs, his hands rubbing furiously at his eyes for a moment. He looks beyond tired, if the telltale deep rims underneath his eyes were any hint.

“You did well today.” He tells you.

You smirk, lifting your hand to swat him on the shoulder. “I know I did.”

He catches your hand, letting it dangle in his grasp between you two. “Don’t be arrogant.” And despite the seriousness of his words, his lips still barely manage to tug up in a mocking smile. Your smirk broadens. He kisses you and this time, there’s no hesitation from you. You eagerly meet him halfway, lips working with the demanding nature of his. He pulls your hands from between you two, so he can hold you closer to him, and he extends them out away from your bodies, but the grip on your wrist doesn’t let go.

He pulls away from you, Maker knows you wouldn’t have. Talk about not being arrogant. He smirks down at you, the cocky-bastard and lets your wrist go. It dangles helplessly at your side.

You think he’s going to kiss you again when he leans down but his lips just ghost over yours for a moment. “You should’ve gone back to Arbra.”

“It’s too late.” You don’t even think about the words as they leave your mouth. You just wanted to kiss him again. Your eyes are still closed as you try your best to rise on your toes and meet his lips again, but Kylo just leans further away from you. He’s still close enough for you to feel his breath fan over your cheeks.

“You’ve heard about the things I’ve done.”

Your eyes crack open a bit, looking up at him. His face is still stoic. “I have.”

“I’ve destroyed many things. People. Their lives. Entire planets.”

“Not me.” You lift your hand to grasp the back of his neck and kiss him again. It’s a short kiss, but he chases after you this time when you pull away. “You haven’t destroyed me.”

He looked at you from underneath his lashes with those soft, brown eyes. Your fingers tangle in the hairs on the back of his neck. There was nothing as half as pleasing as the look in his eyes right now. You could have stayed there all night.

Unfortunately, with good things came the bad and the moment was broken by the sound of the blast door hissing behind you. Your hand falls to your side immediately as you take a step back, stiffly putting distance between you and Kylo. He rises to his full height almost immediately, hesitating before he looks at who interrupted you two.

“Ren, I have several reports demanding your attention and somehow, you are nowhere to be-ah, was I interrupting something?” The snarky voice of General Hux rings through the room. You stare forward at Kylo’s chest.

“Priority training with my apprentice, General. As you’re aware of.” Kylo spits the words in irritation at the General. The cold exterior froze over him quicker than ever at the General’s presence.

“Oh, I’m sure.” The General clears his throat and you don’t need to have eyes in the back of your head to see that he’s motioning to you. It’s written across Kylo’s face as he glares through the General.

He rolls his shoulders and looks down at you. “You may take your leave.”

“Thank you, Master Ren.” You mutter.

You turn sharply, barely casting that General a glance as you shove past him and into the corridor. The doors whir shut behind you before you hear the distinct sound of their voices behind it.

Thankfully, there’s no Stormtrooper outside waiting for you.

.

.

You shower and pull a book from the shelf in the living room and spread yourself on the leather couch. It was a book about the reign on the Empire and what it had been for the people living underneath them. You try to compare the tellings of the book to that of what your parents had told you. The conversations were too twisted by time for you to remember accurately of what they had told you but you knew that growing up underneath the Empire’s rule had been hard of them. The planet your father grew up on was attacked relentlessly for being suspected of secretly pledging allegiance to that of the Republic. You remembered he told you more about his home but it was so long ago, you hadn’t the faintest idea of the remainder of his tales. Nonetheless, you spend the night trying to recall more from the past about what you knew. The book told a much different tale than that of your parents and of all the wonders the Empire provided.

Somewhere between reading and remembering, you fall asleep on the couch with the book on your chest.

Now, sleeping in sketchy inns and only being able to catch sleep on shuttles, followed by sleeping in Arbra’s humid climate with all kinds of creatures coming about, had taught you to sleep lightly or wake up with someone’s hand in your purse, robbing you for all your worth. As long as nothing went pop in the night, you slept relatively well.

Tonight would not be such a night.

The second you hear the sound of feet scuffling past you, your eyes shoot open painfully quick. The living room is completely dark, aside from the light from the moons coming in through the window in your bedroom. It barely lit up half the room.

The sound continues until you hear the dull creak of the door to your bedroom opening slowly. They didn’t even _notice_ you. At that, you established it wasn’t Kylo Ren who was sneaking into your bedroom. If you could sense him, he would undoubtedly sense you. _It wasn’t Kylo._

Your roll off the couch, cautious not to make any noise and crawl away. Your knees scrape the metallic floor while you crawl opposite to the bedroom and into the bathroom.

You have no means of self-defense, not even a rock to thrown and distract them while you scurry away. Suddenly, you were in the thick forests of Arbra again by yourself. Nobody who crept in the night meant well and that meant someone wanted to hurt you.

You shuffle to your feet and quietly close the bathroom door as the intruder lurks across the way in your bedroom. There was no way to do this quietly.

You can’t see the mirror, you can only clumsily feel out for where it is and if you miss, you’d hit the chrome wall beside it. That would probably hurt less, you think, but you don’t have time to be foolish. Your fist makes contact with the mirror and it shatters to pieces around your hand. It hurts and you can already feel tiny shards of glass in the cuts made from the impact. It’ll take them seconds to cross and find out what it was, so you fumble your hands across the countertop in the dark until your fingertips ghost over a relatively large piece of shattered glass and you step backwards into the bathtub and hold your breath.

The bathroom door opens as soon as you move into the tub and you can barely make out the moving shadow of their figure. If they turn around, they’ll see you for sure, just standing there. You don’t want to wait. As their hands move over the counter, you step up on to the ledge and push yourself off with your feet and jump on to their back, legs wrapping around their torso and your arms crossing over around their neck to steady yourself.

“Who are you?” You demand, holding the shard to their neck but you’re met with a fist reaching back and taking a good grip on your hair and pulling painfully hard. Your head bends into the crook of their neck as they tug and you bite back a whimper of pain and ignore the pain of the glass digging into your palm. You grip tighter and bury it into their shoulder and quickly bring your hand back to use your forearm to choke them.

Some would have tapped out by now, begged for mercy _._ You try to choke harder, but your intruder brings their hands up and uses both to dig their fingernails into your forearm, biting deep into your skin almost immediately.

They start moving with you on their back, rushing out of the closeted space of the bathroom and across to your bedroom. If you jump off, it’ll only pull your weight back. You could damage their windpipe, but they’d actually pull some skin off your arms. You’re almost desperate enough to try it. You don’t get the time though, before they reel backwards and your back and head slam into a wall. You can feel the trickle of blood down your hand and arm from your wounds. They do it again, coming forward and moving back quickly, and again, hard enough for you your grip to falter and disappear. You feel their nails pull your flesh as you unwind your legs from around their torso and stumble to the floor, reaching for the wall to ground yourself. Your head is throbbing and your vision is blurred. The light from the moon only makes it worse as you try to glance at your intruder. Still a shadow- a shadow that’s coming towards you.

They rush towards you and use both hands to grab you by your throat and swing you away from the wall. Your hands come to scratch at them, a last resort. One of their hands come away from your neck to slap you hard across the mouth before it goes right back to its former position. You hiss in pain and wheeze at the lack of air. They walk you for a moment, with their hands around your throat until they shove you to the floor roughly.

Their face is no longer obscured by your shadow and you can see their face crystal clear.

 _It’s a man_.

You kick your feet up as he descends on you, bypassing your legs and straddling your stomach. You kick your feet helplessly behind him, trying to knee him hard enough in the back so that his spine shattered and he died. You know it won’t happen, but you hope you can overpower him. Your hope dies quick in your thoughts as he reaches and grabs both of your hands, which had become all but useless to you. The ache was too much for you. He pins them above your head and uses his other arm to press his forearm down on your throat. The blood from the wound you put on his shoulder is dripping on the carpet, making a dark pool next to you.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” You spit at him the second his opens his mouth. He shakes his head at you and lifts the arm on your neck to wipe it away.

A scream tears from the back of your throat. It’s cut off by the man’s arm coming back down again, angrily so.

“I said I don’t want to hurt you! I need your _help_!” He whispers furiously. His eyes are wild looking as they stare down at you.

Your eyes flitter to stay open and the man immediately moves his arm away to trade for putting his hand over your mouth instead. You couldn’t assume you were any use to him dead.

“Why is this room unmarked?” His voice is tantalizingly gentle as he asks. When you make no sound behind his hand, he asks something else. “Every room in this block is marked with an officer and a name, except for this one. No title,-hey, no title, no nothing on this room but it says occupied on the database. Who are you!?” He presses his hands harder against your mouth as you teethe angrily and try to catch his skin between your teeth and bite it off. He lifts it cautiously to give you room to answer him.

“Fuck you! Fuck you, I’ll fucking kill you! F-“

His hand claps over your mouth again with a defeated sigh. “Fine. Fine, fine. I don’t have to know your name. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need your name. Do you know where the cells are?” His words are rushed with urgency.

Your face contorts at the question. Was he trying to save someone? The cells were empty when you’d been there, and you can’t ever imagine the First Order was abundant in keeping many prisoners. Kylo had a less than merciful policy.

_The X-Wing._

His hand lets up again, not far and you feel your breath deflect back on your face. It’s the man they shot down. It doesn’t make sense. If he’s coming from the Resistance base, he should know that already. Why would they send a man without a map?

“You’re the pilot they shot down. You’re supposed to be dead.” You grind the word through your teeth.

“Did they find a body?” He asks tauntingly. Of course they didn’t, because he was sitting right here.

“You shouldn’t have survived that crash.” You glare at him.

His hand claps over your mouth again. His brow scrunches as he considers you. The hand at your mouth raises and it’s not to let you speak, but you strike you across the mouth again. Your teeth catch on your tongue and the metallic taste of your own blood fills your mouth. “Where are they!?”

“I don’t know!” You hiss through your teeth, squirming against his grasp on your wrists and trying to blink the tears of pain away as fast as you could. He would not live to see you cry.

“You _live_ here!” He retorts, growling at you.

“Fuck you!” You spit out at him harshly, struggling harshly against his grasp again. Each time you struggled, he put more weight on his grip and you could feel your wrists throb underneath his hands. The pain from that had dulled the other sensations.

“I won’t help you. You’ll have to kill me.” You say, taunting him. “You won’t leave here alive. Whoever you’re looking for—they’re probably dead.”

The man’s face twists into that of a _true_ monster. One worse than you’d ever see underneath the mask of Kylo Ren. His hand rips away from your wrists and both of them gather again at your throat. He intends to kill you. If the lack of oxygen doesn’t kill you, it might be the crushing grip of his fists around your windpipe.

You reach out to his mind with what energy you can conjure in the force. He’s not weak minded and it’s a more exhausting to get in than you thought it would be but you persist and the pain makes him loosen his grip a bit, but it’s not enough.

“A girl—was it a girl? Did you love her?” you croak. “Did you want to be her hero?”

His eyes scream terror at your statements and he shakes his head as if to will you away. “What are you doing!?!” He demands, shaking you by your neck. You give him a bloody smirk.

Red illuminates the room, big black shadows on you two casting on the opposite wall. The man’s grip tightens, where the pain is damn near unbearable and then disappears entirely as his body lifts from yours and is tossed across the room without a second thought. You take a deep breath of air, barely enough energy to look over and see _him._ You knew he was there though. No other.

“I never thought I’d live to see you in the flesh, Kylo Ren.” The man groans from across the room, where he stuck to the wall like glue.

“You shouldn’t have.” Kylo steps over you, somehow as if you hadn’t been beaten and bloody in the middle of the floor. His heavy-booted footsteps carry him all the way to the other end of the room, where the man is. The crackling red blade follows him as he advances towards the other man.

The man screams and you can feel Kylo’s invasion rippling through the Force. He’d torn the man’s thoughts from his head, every memory scattered for him to see. His scream was blood-curdling and it lasted for only a few seconds. You didn’t need to see the next part.

The dull hum and red illumination from Kylo’s lightsaber disappear. His footsteps, with less harshness and anger this time, fall to you. He crouches down and picks you into his arms, your body limp against him. You couldn’t even find the strength to hold on to him.

You’re terrified. You can’t even find the voice to say anything. You just let your head fall against his chest as the blast door to your room pulls open and you’re enveloped in the cold of the corridor. A tear silently falls down your cheek and you try to close your eyes and imagine a better place.

.

.

You’re in the Medbay for over 6 hours. A sweet nurse spreads bacta all over your arm where the man had dug his fingers into your skin. She promises you it’s not infected. She wraps it with an ace bandage and promises you it would heal itself by the end of the day. She does the same with your hand and you apologize almost a dozen times when she picks shards of glass out one by one. Another doctor comes in and provides you with medicine to take for your minor concussion. He asks that you avoided sleeping within the next twelve hours. He also advises to ice the bruises on your face, neck and wrists.

Kylo is there the entire time. His dark and brooding masked presence kicks the doctors into gear without a single word. They work almost completely silently unless they need to speak to you.

When they give you the clear to leave, you leave slugging beside Kylo Ren. His brooding didn’t end at the Medbay. You walk with him, without protest, dragging your feet as you fight the heaviness of your eyelids.

“Hux swore by his name that our shields would be stronger—he _swore_. Our defensive shields are weak and if one can get in, someone could send a thousand in. An entire fleet if they pleased.” You can tell he’s not really talking _to_ you but more so _at_ you. He’s talking just so he doesn’t drive himself mad.

“I don’t—“ your voice comes out a croak and you clear your throat. “I don’t think he was with the-the Resistance.” It’s still a weak attempt, but Kylo nods as if he heard you.

“I saw his mind—his thoughts, everything. He _was_ with them but he believed we took some girl—some ranged shooter—captive. I’ve never seen her face, she most likely died on the field.” Kylo shakes his head. “Last night, Hux mentioned to me that the messages between the Resistance and the Republic were decrypted. They spoke of some rogue squadron member abandoning post and stealing an X-Wing. That was our visitor, I would assume. Had his _worthless_ workers been able to figure that out sooner, he would have never made it to your room.” The vocoder doesn’t help erase the hatred behind his words. It makes it worse and you try not to shy away from him.

You clutch your ice bag to your cheek with the hand that wasn’t wrapped in a bandage. You try to be careful with your next words. “I know the Supreme Leader thinks I should wait but I want to learn how to defend myself.” Kylo’s mask doesn’t even tilt towards you as you speak. You can only assume he knows what you’re asking. “with the Force.”

“I will ask.” Kylo says curtly.

Kylo stops in front two large blast doors that pull open the second he approaches them. Everything inside is something out of a picture. There’s computers all over the room, consoles and people working diligently at all of them. Kylo walks inside and you follow him, padding after him in awe at how high-tech everything seemed. There was a large panel of consoles that faced a window that overlooked the snowy planet. Snow trickled from the sky. Kylo bows off to take care of his work and you fing yourself drawn to the window. The snow was beautiful, you always loved the snow. It covered the ground in thick blankets and looked deep enough to get lost in. Your eyes drift over the trees covered with snow and ice hanging from the limbs. You admire the world and the beauty of this land.

“Like nothing you’ve ever seen, isn’t it?” General Hux’s voice beside you breaks your trance, but you don’t dare tear your eyes away in fear that it’d all disappear.

You nod your head silently though in acknowledgement. General Hux sighs beside you and you feel a gloved hand wrap around your wrist, gently pulling your hand holding the ice bag away from your face. This gets you to look at the General, his cold blue eyes looking at the bruise on your cheek. Another sigh from him through his nose. He moves your hand back towards your face and meets your eyes.

“It’s a shame, “ he says at length. “but, it’s only an example, isn’t it?”

You look at him, puzzled by his words and he shakes his head, looking out back into the vast never-ending valley of trees and snow.

Deciding that’s all he would say, you cautiously turn your head back, too and stare into the snow trying to decipher what he said. The silence between you two is thick and drawn out.

“Love makes us do _terrible_ things.”

Your head snaps to look at him but the General had already spun on his heels and began walking away from you.

 _Terrible_ things, General.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's just about 6 AM here and I just wrote this in one sitting so I am positively exhausted. Tried proofreading this but I've got one eye open so sorry if I missed some stuff. Was also thinking about maybe doing a prequel series about you and Ben Solo and how you guys met and all that jazz if anyone's interested maybe. Comment, let me know! Bye!


	9. Chaos!

_I’ve been sent to hell_ , you think. Under the scrutiny of Kylo’s eyes, there’s no one else in the entire galaxy under more pressure than you. His observant eyes roam over you and your stomach knots itself. Maybe it was because you didn’t want him to see you like this—your face swollen beyond recognition—and to lash out. At you. At anything. You wouldn’t be able to handle it.

         Kylo turns your wrist in his hand, eying the extent of the bruise there for himself. It wraps almost completely around like a blanket of deep purple splotches. He takes your other wrist and looks at it as well, turning it in a similar method.  The inside of your wrist is darker than the outside but the shades faded into each other, making a deep bluish-purple ring of color around your wrist. They didn’t look as bad as they did yesterday underneath the light in his bathroom. The lighting in his quarters were dimmer than the rest of the ship but still gave way for him to see you to his satisfaction. Still, they were dark enough to draw his attention this morning.

          You slept on the couch in his quarters. He nudged you awake so you’d sit up and he could look at the bruise on your neck-- that one had been in the shape of the rogue’s hand, so that you might never forget how human you were. Kylo crouches in front of his couch, using his forefinger to tilt your head away from him and up at the ceiling.

          “Does that hurt?” He asks.

          “No.” you croak. “The nurses already looked at it, Kylo. I’m fine.”

          It was only partially a lie.

          He grunts in response, but he didn’t let you turn your head or make any move to get up. “He was trying to kill you when I came. The only thing going through his head was vengeance. He wanted retribution for that girl he lost.” Kylo’s finger falls away from your chin. His bare fingers stroke along the structure of your jaw on the side the man had punched you. They linger, but inevitably turned you away from him, so he could look at that, too.  “You stabbed him. Do you want to tell me where you got a knife from?”

          "It was a piece of a glass from a mirror.” You explain. You flex your fingers in your lap and feel the sting of the cuts in your palm. It had happened, but it was blurring in the back of your mind now. You were angry all the same. Someone had said you should’ve been grateful to be alive, but living with the bitter taste of defeat in your mouth seemed almost worse than dying.

          Kylo pulls his hand away from your face, confused. “You stabbed him with a piece of glass?” He questions and the corners of his lips pull up a bit. _He’s proud_ , you think. You shove that thought back to the furthest reaches of you mind and flex your hand again.

          “I cut my hand open for it.” you mutter. “Did Hux say anything about him? Anything about the Resistance?”

           Kylo shakes his head, eyes somber as they drift from your face to your neck. He rises to his feet, reaching for his helmet on the table. He doesn’t put it on just yet.

           “They were sending urgent messages to the Republic about this rogue pilot, but as you know, they were heavily encrypted. All we know is that he strayed from the Resistance. Hux suggests that we destroy the evidence of our knowledge of his abandonment and claim it was a direct attack from the Resistance. It would justify retaliating in a. . . similar manner. He came here—with their name on his badge—and attacked a member of the First Order.” Kylo slides the helmet over his head and pushes the muzzle back until the mechanisms softly click into place. You watch him disappear underneath the black metal. It like watching him become a new person. _Commander Ren_ , they called him.

            "And anything of Lu—Skywalker. Is there anything of Skywalker?”  You ask.

            He is not your master.

            “The Resistance is doing well to keep him out of sight.” the vocoder rumbles out. “We’ll find him soon enough.”

            “I know.” you say absently. “Are they all like that—all of the Resistance members? He _hated_ me. I didn’t even know him.” Your fingers absently pluck at the loose thread around the seams of the new clothes they’d given you at the medbay.

            “Yes. They lack the discipline the First Order provides.” Kylo turns to you, motioning for you to get up. You stay, raising your eyebrows at what he wanted. A static sigh comes from his mask. “Get up.” It’s not a request. “You’re coming with me.”

            You shake your head. “Kylo, my fucking _face_ —“

            “No one is going to look at you.”

            He’s too sure of that. It doesn’t move you though. They might _try_ not to look—not to gawk at you—but that might just hurt you more. You didn’t want them to look but you didn’t want them _not_ to look at you. Their pointed stares away from you might just be more humiliating than their jaws hitting the ground when they see the huge bruise around your neck. “Where are we going?”

            “You still need to train.” What?

             Your lips turn upward in a smile of disbelief. You think he’s _joking._ Of course he is, you could barely move your arms, let alone play cat and mouse with him for two hours. You shake your head at him. “Can’t I take an off day? Once? I mean, I had a pretty fucking rough week-“

              “No excuses. Come.”

              You open your mouth angrily to protest but the blast door whooshes open and he disappears in a storm of black. You sit there, fisting your hands in the blanket on your lap. You’re going to die. If not his lightsaber in your chest, he was going to kill you by making your blood pressure high enough to soar. You tear the blanket off of your lap and follow after him.

.

.              

                You peak your head into the training room. Kylo is there, sure enough, but this time he’s not meditating in the center of the room. He’s twirling another wooden sword in his hand and when he sees you, he chucks it at you. You have just enough time to pull your hands from covering your face and to catch, gracelessly. You nearly trip over your own two feet but you grab it and look at him. Is he really going to make you fight?

                “We made a deal.” he twirls the sword in his hand, beckoning for you to come forth with the other. “Knock me down and you may ask me anything you want.”

                “Two?”

                “One.”

                He sprints towards you, ready to jam that beam right into your belly, but you stumble aside like frail branch caught in the wind. Your stance is awkward, your grip is all off, and everything fucking _hurts_. You try to correct yourself as best you can but you can hear the heavy padding of his footsteps behind you. You whirl around and meet him in a cross of beams. It sends jolts of pain ringing from your wrists to your head. You bite back a cry but it still comes out as a weak squeak form your lips.

               “No.” he tells you. The pressure of his sword is gone and you sigh in relief. “I know you’re in pain—how much that hurt you. If you enemy knows you’re weak, they will exploit it and rip you to pieces. Up. Again.” He’s already lifting his beam again before he’s even done speaking. His voice is raw, as if he’s angrier than usual. Reluctantly you obey, despite the protest of your body.

                He comes at you again. He goes right, so you follow, trying to diligently keep track of his every move. You mirror him, watching the way he was graceful but absolutely ruthless. He strikes right and you block, pushing him off with whatever force you can muster. No sound leaves your mouth this time. You meet Kylo’s eyes and he gives you a fleeting look of approval before he goes left this time. He’s none such gently this time, swinging at you in quick succession. You push him back but it doesn’t even appear to hinder him. Each step he takes forward, you take back, trying to find a weakness in him to exploit. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Anywhere you went, he went.

                He went right again, and so did you, but you’re met with a harsh blow to your side from the left, hard enough to send you to the ground. You hiss in pain, huffing angrily against the padding of the floor. Maybe if you just laid here, he’d think you were too tired to fight. Maybe—

               “Did you trust me?” Kylo juts his hand forward.  You stare at it for a good minute before you actually grab it and pull yourself up. Your entire side is throbbing so hard it’s hot.

               “Why would I do something stupid like that?” You retort, mindlessly peeling up the side of your shirt to see if it was bruising yet. The flesh there was just hot and red. The last thing you needed were more bruises. You drop your shirt, eyebrows knitting together as you look up at Kylo. His eyes snap to your face too quickly. “You’re an asshole, you know.”

                 “You would do well to call me Master.”

                 “Master Asshole.” You say cheekily.

_He never smiles_. You won’t press it now, but some other time you would have to ask him how that came to be. Ben Solo was somber in your last memories of him, but he was too tongue-in-cheek in the beginning. Every other word that left his mouth was either sarcastic or a joke. How’d that kid get so sad?

_Another time_.

                Kylo thrust his practice sword to the ground, wiping the sweat of his hands on his sides. “I spoke to the Supreme Leader of your request.”

                “And?” You press.

                “He approved moving into another region of training but he suggests that the sessions be longer. We cannot do one and forget the other. The time for battle will come much sooner than anticipated.” Kylo wrinkles his brow as if there’s something he doesn’t understand. It dissipated quick enough but it still makes you wonder. His eyes find yours again. “The time to kill Skywalker.”

                 You want to ask him what happens after killing Skywalker. You don’t have the stomach for the answer so you nod, chewing your lip like a dog with a toy, and look away. “Are we done then?”

                 He’d only knocked you down once today. That was unusual. You usually got a much better serving of your face on the ground. “It is all I have time for. I will escort you back to my quarters until Hux gives me word of the room.”

                  You drop your beam and let it clatter to the floor. You anticipated using his bathroom and soaking yourself in his tub until your fingers pruned, or something ruined it anyway. It would be so refreshing after this week, you were almost anxious with anticipation. A small heaven in this cold hell.

                  Kylo finishes fastening his robes, his helmet already tucked over his head. You stand by the door, pushing back your sweat-slicked hair and prepare yourself for another walk through the hall as the base’s Freak Show. Your hand covers your cheek and you follow behind him as he leaves.

                 Less gawking this time. You make note of each officer who did indeed _gawk_ at you. Lt. Wilhelm, Sgt. Wiu and Ofc. Wiu (brothers, you guessed. Twins, by the looks of them), Ofc. Nova, and. . .

                 Your eyes linger on this one as your brow scrunched up in confusion. You open your mouth, ready to forwardly ask why there wasn’t a badge on their breast but when you look to their face, a sly smile spreads across an unfamiliar woman’s face, challenging you. She passes you without a word, dark hair behind her. No that was wrong, something was wrong. Her hair should have been tied up.

                You look to Kylo’s back, surely convinced he would have noticed an unmarked personnel. He continued his angry march, oblivious.

                Maybe it was just an employee fighting the regulations. Still, something about her left a pressing concern. No. You were safe. You were fine.

                Kylo’s rounds the corner that lead to the corridor to his quarters. Every Stormtrooper in the hall turns to greet their Commander. Each of them salute to him as he passes. Something is not right. You look at Kylo again. He has to know. He has to know.

                “ _Something is wrong,”_ it’s been so long since you’ve projected anything to anyone. You could be projecting this at the entire base for all you know. You still try desperately to push your thoughts to him. If they reach, he makes no sign of it. Kylo halts when he gets to the doors of his room. There are no Stormtroopers this far down the hall, just the solemn serenity of his quarters. You don’t want to go in there.

                “You’re panicking.” Kylo says. It’s barely above a whisper and it mostly sounds like broken static.

                “Something isn’t right,” you whisper even lower than him, “there was a woman in the hall without a badge a-and those Stormtroopers. . .” your words die on your lips as the blaster doors open. “Kylo. . .”

                _Chaos._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long!


End file.
